This has been one of those weeks. Tuesday was not one of my finest days. I sort of hit the wall emotionally: second guessing myself, frustrated with being unemployed, feeling crappy about me. It doesn't happen all that much but when it does, the whole house is miserable. I'm not mad at anybody; I'm mad at myself. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to be miserable, doesn't it? We create the feelings within ourselves. If we have the power to choose, why not try to be neutral or positive.
Lately, my daughter is miserable 24/7. I don't think she hates us, I just think she is miserable with herself and creating her own environment. A lot is changing for her. For starters, I'm not the marshmallow anymore that she's had for a mother for so long. I'm finding my backbone and feeling so much better about myself for doing so. I was tired of living the way I did with the kids for all those years. They were getting away with murder while I was busy trying to be their friend. When you are a single parent, the whole dynamic of your mother/child relationship is different than when there are two parents in the house. When you once again have a partner, the dynamics change once again. I'm saying no much more frequently and she doesn't like it. I'm working as a partnership with my husband raising our family. First and foremost, being a parent is the most important thing. When you let things slide because you're trying to please them and be their friend, they will follow that lead and walk on you like a doormat. She can continue to treat us badly but I'm not backing down. I like this new me as a parent and trust me, there is still more to be accomplished but Rome wasn't built in a day. Of course she loves being with her dad because he only sees her for a few hours per week. In those hours, he plans fun things and rarely ever says no to her. He is her friend. He is not doing the day to day parent things. I get it. Again, I'm not backing down. When I give in to her, I feel like shit. When kids feel like they are on equal footing with you and lack respect and discipline, you need to change directions. I'm going to be selfish in her eyes because I am setting my priorities on nurturing my faith, nurturing myself and nurturing my marriage. When all of those things are strong and healthy, I am a better parent, a better worker, a more confident artist.
As frustrating as it is to be home now, it has also been invaluable so far. I'm learning more things about myself daily.