Saturday, October 31, 2009

Six Word Saturday

Creating brings out my inner beauty.

I've come to understand that I am at my absolute best when I'm creating. I find myself in a zone; a unique state of bliss. If the energy is right and the planets line up just so, I could get lost for hours in a project. I've always been frustrated that God gave me this gift of creativity and I've never been able to focus on just one thing. My talents run all over the place from painting to knitting to sewing to making books. Now if I could just channel all of these talents in to a full time gig.....

Thursday, October 29, 2009


This morning, I had a very big "ah ha" moment while I was driving in my car. It hit me that relationships extend well beyond just those we have with people. We have relationships with our higher power, we have relationships with work. I have intimate relationships with each piece of art I create. Let me back up a bit to give a clearer picture.

Last night, I had to take an on-line Microsoft Office test for a potential job. Even though I have many years of work experience, I really never used PowerPoint or excel very often. I never really had a need to do elaborate word documents. I completely bombed the test. My mind, by habit, started berating me with things like, "you're so stupid and everyone will see you as an idiot" and "you will never get another office job again if you can't work these programs." But guess what? I have never been passionate about administrative work; it's simply something I fell in to long ago and stayed out of habit. I don't really give a rat's ass about learning all of these programs. Building pie charts and creating mail merges is about as exciting to me as listening to the evening news in Greek.

I've always thought of relationships as something to do with people. A few months before I met Breen, I had finally had it with bad relationships. My habit of giving myself over to the wrong men was a vicious cycle. Before I met my ex-husband, I found myself in a nightmarish abusive relationship that took too long to get out of. Then I married my ex and stayed in a loveless marriage for over a decade. After my divorce, I had a string of unhealthy relationships with men who never could give as much as I was giving to them. I wasn't really able to shine in those relationships because they were a bad fit. After my last bad relationship came to a halt, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with God in which I surrendered. I said to Him, "Ok God, I'm done with bad relationships. I see my patterns and I hear you loud and clear that this is not what you want for me. If your intention is for me to be alone, then show me the best way to be strong as a single person. If you have a wonderful partner for me, please let him be revealed. But I will not accept any more of the bad relationships; I'd rather be alone." I didn't ask and beg God for a new man; I simply surrendered and made myself open to receive whatever the big plan was. Three months later, I met Breen and a year to the date of our first meeting, we got married and my life with him is more than I could ever have imagined. I honestly never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have this level of deep and pure love.

Just like my history of bad relationships with men, I have a history of bad relationships with jobs. I've spent over 20 years working jobs that I never felt very passionate about. I think the humiliation and pain of taking that test last night was God's final way of saying, "OK, you don't seem to be listening to a single message so I'm going to throw you a big sign that I do not want you to keep seeking administrative jobs." Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being an administrative assistant. It is simply not for me. So today, from a job standpoint, I realized that I am in the exact same place as I was before I met Breen. I sat there in my car and surrendered this job thing over to God. I told Him that I hear loud and clear that I'm meant to go much further outside my job box. I told him that I want a wonderful job that showcases my talents and that I will not accept any more bad jobs. I have faith that, if God answered my prayers and brought me Breen, he can do the same with a job.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It feels like I've abandoned my blogging lately. I'm still here in spirit but I think I've just needed more time spent with only me. I've got some time now to get quiet, less distracted and more tuned in to the messages from the Universe. I've had some bad days (poor husband for putting up with me) and I'm finding myself now in much better places with myself. I'm still creating as I continue the job search. I've started a file with clippings of art and craft that inspires me. Last weekend, I took a workshop for this and I'm letting my brain run full speed ahead with the myriad of opportunities for designs:

I'm also finishing and starting new hand painted furniture pieces and also finishing up some aprons for Etsy.

I've been cooking less and walking more. In the midst of my meatless food blog, I realized that I was packing on a few pounds with all the things that were constantly being tested in my kitchen.

I've been reading like crazy. For some reason, I'm really craving words right now. Any and all kinds of books will due. I've got tall stacks from the library strategically placed around the house.

I'm finishing up my last meditation class this week, which I will truly miss.

I've reconnected with an old book that finally was returned to me: Organizing from the inside out by Julie Morgenstern. A fabulous book if, like me, you're forever trying new ways to get on top of the house. I'm taking one room at a time and breaking it down in to small cleaning projects. This morning, I tackled one little storage cabinet and one counter top in my kitchen. Throughout the remainder of the week, I'll continue with one or two cabinets each day until the kitchen is finished.

I'm simply allowing myself the time to explore, rest, search and listen. And that feels good.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

six word saturday

Life began when he walked in.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to say yes to?

These days find me in an odd place. I haven't quite been my usual self. Without my role as "worker", I'm floundering around on dry land like a fish out of water. I'm constantly in the state of processing a million thoughts daily. I feel small and lost at times. I never realized how a job title defined who I was for so long and it stings every time I realize the value people place on what others do for a living. Although my previous job wasn't even a high end power position, I was still a woman with a purpose every day; a place to go, an entity collecting a paycheck and contributing much more than I do now. Some days the time flies by and others it feels like the walls are closing in. And through all of this, I struggle with seriously tough questions like,

Does God really exist when the times are hard like this?
Does my husband still see me for the good things he fell in love with?
Do my kids respect that I'm home now?
Do I really need to write like I used to? Cook like I used to?
Do I have worth when I'm not working?
Am I less attractive because of this struggle?

So today, I wish to say yes to all of my doubting questions. Yes to letting God in. Yes, I am a good wife and mother. Yes, I need to have my creative outlets. Yes I am worthy and loved and attractive. Yes, I will find the perfect way to generate income and feel important with myself. Yes, I am enough.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Proverbially speaking, I am taking apart and repainting my house....little by little...very room at a time

Went on a 5 mile walk this morning. Cleared my head. Working on trying to look better. I feel like an old worn out cow these days. I brought my camera along for the trek. I can't promise that I'll stick with this, but I sure would like to. I spotted all sorts of pumpkins and apples that reminded me of the new season:

Lots and lots of mums:

I came across a store display that had me frozen on the spot. Some things are bittersweet. Like remembering how my own Max loved when I read to him about the Wild Things. It feels like a lifetime ago....

Monday, October 12, 2009

So many tracks

Busy past few days. The kind that put your brain through the emotional wash cycle 6 times over. But it was all good. My son is home today. We decided to drive down to some train tracks nearby so I could take a few photos. There has always been something very mesmerizing about train rides and train tracks. Maybe it's just the feeling of a bigger time and space other than where you are. Miles and miles of new journeys and endless new beginnings. Some days it feels like my left foot and my right foot are trying to step out on to two different tracks. When I finished playing at the train track, I was driving home when I noticed that the stone in my engagement ring was gone. I immediately drove back and spent over a half hour sifting through pebbles and rocks and shards of broken glass in the area where I had been previously standing. Nothing. I'm sure I didn't bump my hand against anything. It is simply gone. I feel very sad but I also know that these things happen for a reason.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Joy diet: Desire

I've got quite a few desires, but this week found my focus centered around my spiritual life. I have a desire to dig deeper inside of myself and explore my true purpose here in the universe. I've actually had this desire for a long time but I have found myself really in tune with this need for the past few months. This week, I started a four week meditation class and I'm planning on attending a two day workshop this weekend where the work is centered around "my right service." It feels like good progress for me. Trust me, it is empowering to take care of my needs. I've had this long standing habit of putting my desires on the shelf for a zillion reasons. I used to be so incredibly impatient and thought I had to have every answer right away. Now, I'm embracing the fact that seeking answers begins with small, gentle steps. I also believe that there may never be any concrete answers. The journey of our desires begins with a single action or step. Once we take action, who knows where our steps will ultimately lead us? How many times have you heard someone say that they never would have guessed in a million years that they would end up in the place where they feel unbelievably successful and fulfilled? I'll bet that their initial desires may have been vastly different than where they ended up. That's the beauty of desire. That's the mystery.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Self awareness and a few sweet things...

This week, I've really been focused on the ways I'm serving and honoring God, myself, Breen, kids/family/friends and job. Today, I'm taking a meditation class from a woman who works out at my gym. On Friday and Saturday I'm taking a workshop at our church on "My Right Service". I'm the type of person who loves to take care of everyone else and maybe fit myself and my needs in there somewhere. So these are nice big steps for me this week.

I whipped up a batch of Chocolate Nut Clusters this morning to feature over at my food blog:

You can check out new art finds over at my art blog.

Finally, a pictures I like of Breen and me this week:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to complete?

I think this week's prompt hit me right between the eyes. I have so many things left unfinished that I'd love to see through to completion:

An ottoman that needs more painting, a seat cushion and fabric
A rocking chair for my niece's baby
Two half aprons that need ties
Four more aprons that need to be sewn
Unfinished laundry
Amazing ideas for projects that are dying of loneliness
Daily "to do" lists with half the items checked off

I was just talking with Breen last night about how inspired and awestruck I am with the way that he focuses on particular goals and passions and keeps at them diligently until each one is fulfilled and/or completed. I've never been particularly strong in that area. Sure I have passions, projects and great ideas but I always seem to get so distracted with a new idea that things get left in the corner unfinished. And it's not just with creative things either. I'm a Type B personality. My husband is Type A. Do personality types have a direct correlation to incompleteness? With each day, I'm growing and processing and learning so much. My greatest wish is to really get deep down inside and get some clarity on why things are left undone. I know I feel empowered and productive when I am able to see something to completion.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tuesday update

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the fog waiting for it to lift and reveal my next part of the path. Lately, my mind has been buzzing non-stop. It's been processing so very much. Unfortunately, as open as I am, most of it needs to stay safely tucked away in my journal for now. I can tell you that I'm tracking my daily progress in the five areas of my life: God, self, significant other, family/friends and career. Specifically, how am I honoring and serving in those areas every day? Interestingly enough, the most challenging areas for me are God and career. I wholeheartedly believe in God but the challenge is how do I honor Him? I can never seem to get my mind still to sit in quiet time. And the career part? Well, it's been YEARS since I had to look for a job. Back then, it was a different economic climate and it never took me very long to get an interview. It's just a very different ball game now. My intention is to secure a job soon.

Breen completed his first half ironman on Sunday. His longest race yet. It is an honor and thrill to be there at the finish line of every race. Here are some pictures:

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Six word Saturday

Good words of advise: wear sunscreen.

I think this clip says it all.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Joy Diet: truth

The work of Byron Katie is featured in the truth section of The Joy Diet. A few years ago, I attended a workshop on the teachings of Byron Katie at a sweat lodge that I was somewhat active in. Since that time, I had forgotten about her work. Until this week. I think people tell themselves lots of painful stories that aren't true. It comes from years of negative tapes looping over and over again in our heads. I like the idea of these "truth questions" because JOY is a choice and so are the stories we tell ourselves. We don't have to continue suffering through the same old worn out and useless stories. We can gently shift our thinking for happier endings.

Here's what I learned about MY truth this week. I've had a bad habit over the years of not being active in my own life. My stories were so loud that I couldn't get quiet enough to hear anything better. As some of you know, I've been out of work since the beginning of the summer. This has turned out to be such an amazing blessing. Each day, very slowly, I am beginning to get to some quiet places where I my truest self is finally listening. My truth is this: Every day that I wake up on this earth is a gift from God. If we receive a gift, we shouldn't waste it. All that I'm required to do in my life is to simply show up each day and be present. I don't have to accomplish grande and impressive things; I simply have to be present and do something. This week, I've been asking myself how can I best serve God, myself, my significant other, my children and family, and my career. I've been doing a little in each area daily and the truth is, my old stories are beginning to crumble. When I'm showing up and being present and serving, it makes all the difference in the world.


It's my husband's birthday today. It was the best day of my life when he walked in to my world. Every day feels complete and whole. He is my home. He is my heart. He is my best friend and soul mate. He is my true North. I am amazed and humbled to be his wife. He has my undying love and unwavering support for an eternity and beyond. I love you, Baby!

Now...what do you get the man who has everything? You get him a bad ass flaming stegosaurus bike helmet cover to keep his gorgeous bald head warm during his long winter training rides, of course!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A moment on my soap box

Indulge me, just for a minute or two. Every now and then I climb up on to my soap box and I need to be heard.

Recently, my mother gave me a make-up bag that was filled with some skin care samples. One of her friend's daughters works in the make-up department of a big department store. Through her friend, my mother is a recipient of all the latest products. So, this morning I decided to empty the bag and use it in my handbag. Here are the things I found:

I just can't help but wonder how many billions of dollars are spent by women all over the globe who think that products like these will make them look more beautiful. I suffered through a loveless marriage for over a decade. When I finally found my freedom, I started to unearth pieces of me that were in a coma for so long. In that time of self-discovery, I glowed like a 1000 watt light bulb. People noticed it. And you know what? I wasn't using an ounce of make-up or expensive skin care products that promised me the rebirth of my youth. I was sexy. I was vibrant. And that comes from the INSIDE OUT. Too many women forget that true beauty can not be purchased at any price. We buy in to these companies that prey on our egos like vultures. One company, in particular, is shameless enough to tap in to our spiritual appeal. Check out these products from "Philosophy":

When hope is not enough ($50.00 for 60 capsules. I kid you not). A replentishing eye cream that magically removes wrinkles while you sleep.

How about "Handmade?". Create with your hands, heal with your hands, touch with your hands, work with your hands, extend your hands and PRAY with your hands.

Give me a break! This is how I pray with my hands. Every single morning. And I don't need to shell out $10.00 for one ounce so that God will admire my soft hands and listen to me a little closer.