Surrendering

This morning, I had a very big "ah ha" moment while I was driving in my car. It hit me that relationships extend well beyond just those we have with people. We have relationships with our higher power, we have relationships with work. I have intimate relationships with each piece of art I create. Let me back up a bit to give a clearer picture.

Last night, I had to take an on-line Microsoft Office test for a potential job. Even though I have many years of work experience, I really never used PowerPoint or excel very often. I never really had a need to do elaborate word documents. I completely bombed the test. My mind, by habit, started berating me with things like, "you're so stupid and everyone will see you as an idiot" and "you will never get another office job again if you can't work these programs." But guess what? I have never been passionate about administrative work; it's simply something I fell in to long ago and stayed out of habit. I don't really give a rat's ass about learning all of these programs. Building pie charts and creating mail merges is about as exciting to me as listening to the evening news in Greek.

I've always thought of relationships as something to do with people. A few months before I met Breen, I had finally had it with bad relationships. My habit of giving myself over to the wrong men was a vicious cycle. Before I met my ex-husband, I found myself in a nightmarish abusive relationship that took too long to get out of. Then I married my ex and stayed in a loveless marriage for over a decade. After my divorce, I had a string of unhealthy relationships with men who never could give as much as I was giving to them. I wasn't really able to shine in those relationships because they were a bad fit. After my last bad relationship came to a halt, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with God in which I surrendered. I said to Him, "Ok God, I'm done with bad relationships. I see my patterns and I hear you loud and clear that this is not what you want for me. If your intention is for me to be alone, then show me the best way to be strong as a single person. If you have a wonderful partner for me, please let him be revealed. But I will not accept any more of the bad relationships; I'd rather be alone." I didn't ask and beg God for a new man; I simply surrendered and made myself open to receive whatever the big plan was. Three months later, I met Breen and a year to the date of our first meeting, we got married and my life with him is more than I could ever have imagined. I honestly never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have this level of deep and pure love.

Just like my history of bad relationships with men, I have a history of bad relationships with jobs. I've spent over 20 years working jobs that I never felt very passionate about. I think the humiliation and pain of taking that test last night was God's final way of saying, "OK, you don't seem to be listening to a single message so I'm going to throw you a big sign that I do not want you to keep seeking administrative jobs." Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being an administrative assistant. It is simply not for me. So today, from a job standpoint, I realized that I am in the exact same place as I was before I met Breen. I sat there in my car and surrendered this job thing over to God. I told Him that I hear loud and clear that I'm meant to go much further outside my job box. I told him that I want a wonderful job that showcases my talents and that I will not accept any more bad jobs. I have faith that, if God answered my prayers and brought me Breen, he can do the same with a job.