This was last night's dinner: tofu stir fry with cashews and brown rice. Yum!
Last night I had two dreams:
1. I was in a big room (maybe a conference center) with clowns and Breen was there with me.
2. I was standing at a bus stop with my son and there were two other boys who were verbally bullying him simply because he didn't understand what they were talking about. I was so sad in my dream that I woke up at 1:30am with tears rolling down my cheeks.
The universe hands us opportunities. There are several layers to this for me. For over 12 years, I've had this feeling that I'm supposed to write a book. Fucking ridiculous "calling" really when you consider that I don't know Jack Shit about writing a book. And for years I wondered what the hell I was supposed to write about any way. In the earlier years of this calling, I thought perhaps my disastrous journey in my first marriage was worthy of writing about....but who would want to read that? I wasn't famous or different from thousands of other women who also found themselves in my situation. But then there was my son. When I figured out that there was something different about him, I thought maybe that was a book waiting to be written. I let it go for a while. Sometimes I've wondered if I should write a book about the spiritual approach to handling a child with Aspergers. Sometimes I've wondered if Max should write a book. There are so many clinical books on the subject but very few on the every day living with it. Maybe the arrival of Aspergers in my life was the reason to write. So....flash forward to now...
I looked to this summer with dread. Every time this year I have to scrape together money for summer camp simply so that I can go to work and the kids have some coverage for the day. Thousands of dollars. My ex has not paid me enough in the past year or so to even scratch the surface. I was going in to the kids savings account to pay for it all. My son's program was $2000 for a 5 week half day summer enrichment program at his school. Highway robbery! My back was up against the wall since he detests regular summer camps and I was not ready to have him sit home all day by himself. Then, a few days ago, I was told that the company was closing and my job would be over as of May 31st. Suddenly, I knew that I was meant to be home with my son for the summer. I have a chance to do things with him as I job hunt. This past Sunday as Breen and I were driving home from church, Max called me on my cell phone. "Mom, I think one reason why you and I were meant to be home together this summer is because we need to write a book about Aspergers". I was a little floored and pretty touched. "I have a lot to say about the subject since I'm 13 now". Maybe he's right. Maybe, just maybe, this is the book I was meant to write.
I keep trying to get still every day and listen to what God wants for me. Sometimes I wonder how my perfect job/career will manifest. Honestly, I have no idea and the more I try to find the answer, the more elusive it is. Everything happens for a reason. I know this. As I go through the days to come, I'm going to make sure that I continue to work out at least 4 days at the gym, eat well, drink lots of water, pray, let my creativity flow and stay committed to the job search every single day. Something awesome is around the corner. It's just a matter of time.