Monday, May 25, 2009

The end of an era (also doubling for SUNDAY SCRIBBLINGS)

This week marks the end of an era for me. The last day at my job is Friday. We'll be clearing out the office Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. After that, I'll be home juggling my free time with job hunting, creative projects, home organization projects and playing human taxi to Max and Kendall as I shuffle them around to their camps. This is also a period for some rest and healing.

My Sunday Scribbling prompt for this week is Worry and how I handle it.I really debated with myself long and hard about sharing this here but, in the end, my blogging community has been an incredible source of strength and support over the past few years. Basically, I started to experience some panic attacks over the past few weeks. On one hand, it all felt like I got hit from nowhere. On the other hand, I should have seen it coming. For quite a few years, I stuffed a few things down because I was always on this hectic and sometimes crazy treadmill trying to focus only on taking care of the kids. There never seemed to be the time to take care of me. Getting laid off was probably the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back. Not only have I earned my own paycheck and handled all of my own finances for over 20 years, this job was very much tied in to my "old life". So here I am stripped naked and standing at the crossroads of a whole new part of my life and I am literally like a deer in the headlights.

Here's an equation that's simple to follow: Worrying + A few unresolved core issues + a major life change = panic attacks. Sure, some people are lucky enough to handle stress and anxiety by eating 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's and playing video games for 6 hours straight. Lucky them. I do believe for myself that these panic attacks are only situational and are also a wake up call to promote change. I look at my life today and I am so incredibly blessed. I am light years away from that old life. I have found the man I always dreamed of and I am part of his amazing family now too. I know without any doubt that God gave me all of this goodness and there is no way that he would take me three quarters of the way here only to dump me off at the side of the road. I don't know what's ahead over the next month..two months...year. I only know that I was given this time to truly discover the next part of this magnificent journey. It comes down to surrendering those fears which were never real in the first place and trading worrying for trusting.

We are coming to the end of a wonderful holiday weekend. On Saturday, I drove to Maryland where Breen's sisters took me to a tea room for a "welcome to the family" lunch. Including my mother, sisters, nieces, one fiance and one girlfriend, there were 13 of us. I really love Breen's family and I feel honored to have them as my new extended family. Yesterday, we went for a nice long bike ride and had a cookout with my parents. So here I am thinking about the week ahead and the end of an era. I know in my heart that this door is being closed so that another one much better can be opened. I was shriveling up, little by little, at this job; we had downsized to a point where we moved to a tiny office with no windows and no other employees in the office but me. I'm a girl who loves light and people. It's time to regroup, move ahead and open up like a brand new flower.


  1. Jane, I'm going through similar changes I my life - those wake you up in the middle of the night I can't breathe kind. I can see in my head that good things have happened in my life these days and will continue to come ... my heart needs a bit of time to catch up it seems. You pegged it here - wonderful post.
    I am pulling for you - hang in there and breathe!
    Namaste, Sarah

  2. Jane, I know that this week is full of emotion for you but you will make it through and the changes you will be making will be the bright light that you are looking for.

    Peace and Love sisterfriend

  3. I think looking back that the most worrisome times in my life were times of change and uncertainty. I hope that your life will settle into a new path soon and you can catch your breath.

  4. I love your analogy of opening up like a brand new flower. That's it, Jane. I'm going to steal that for myself and use it. It helps to quell the anxiety and to be gentle with myself.

    You will be better than okay soon :) This I know!

    xo, O

  5. LOL Jane. I doubt that eating two pints of Ben and Jerry's to relieve stress is something enviable. :)

    You are on a precipice, looking out into the open vista. You know you have to take the plunge. Of course you're scared, and wary and a little bit panicked.


    You have the bungy cord of your family's and Breen's and his family's love. Not to mention all of our support.

    Spread your arms and dive. It will be exhilarating :)

  6. Jane,
    I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now, and there's one consistent thing about you.
    You ALWAYS face challenges head-on like a champ.
    You ALWAYS triumph and make it over to the other side.
    And you ALWAYS have that amazing sense of humour going for you.
    You will be sooooooo fine. Relax, breathe, and enjoy your time off.

  7. Jane, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you as you go through this. I"m familiar with panic attacks and it's always a sign to me that my body is just not coping well...better do something about it already! Yah, easier said than done.

    Lil xo