The end of summer

It's Labor Day and that brings summer to a near close. We've been hanging around this weekend. Relaxing. Eating. Playing. Reading. Kendall has the Twilight book. I picked it up out of curiosity and now I'm hooked. I've finished that one and I'm now half way through New Moon, the 2nd in the series. What else has been going on over the past few days?

Bubble blowing.....

A haircut (2-3 inches off)......

A big batch of Tomato Gravy (GO OVER HERE FOR THE RECIPE AND STORY)....

Time with Max....

Badminton at my parent's house.......

followed by a yummy dinner....

and more badminton. Breen and Kendall are the uber competitive in our little family. They like to play until a definite victory is declared

or until it's so dark that one of them can't see the shuttlecock anymore ;))

Like mother, like daughter...don't you think?

The mental dig

8:02 am. Coffee is ready. Thank God. I didn't sleep well last night. Sad dreams. Tossing and turning. Even now, I'd like to write something decent but the words aren't flowing. Do you think there is a mental bulldozer that comes around right before a new change and starts digging and plowing and making a dirty mess? Maybe if we get too complacent, we have to have our soul soil delved in to and shifted around? That's what it feels like lately. there is some sort of shift coming around again. I don't know what it is but I can smell it. I can feel it. My air is charged with it. And I can't shake the feeling that it's not a good change. And THAT is what is bothering me this morning.

Six Word Saturday

Sometimes I find myself remembering her.

An ex-best friend gave me this as a birthday present. It was supposed to symbolize the endless circle of friendship. She was one of the greatest sources of strength for me when I first found myself alone after my divorce. She was like a sister. I sat inches from her feet as her baby came in to the world. But she took advantage of my kindness and the circle was broken. We fell out over money, of all things. She needed to borrow a large sum and she knew I had a little money stashed away in savings. She also knew it was all I had to my name but I loved her like family and trusted her and lent it to her with the promise of paying me back. Slowly, she claimed near bankruptcy and deep depression and distanced herself from me. She absolutely knew of my hardships as a single mother raising 2 kids and yet, whenever I saw her, she always had her hair and nails perfectly done and a refrigerator full of food. She made endless promises to repay me in small installments. She never did. After a while it was no longer about the money; it was a matter of respect and moral fiber. I was hurt that she cared more about herself than honoring me as a friend and kind human being. Eventually, she stopped calling me altogether. Every now and then, I wonder how she is able to look at herself in the mirror. Every now and then I wonder if her conscience got the best of her and I’ll find a check in the mail. I’ve moved on to an amazing new life but still….sometimes I find myself remembering her.

Join along in Six Word Saturday over here. Happy weekend!

Birthing matters and a few lovely things....

My mind doesn't always want to produce average, ordinary thoughts. I like pondering about useless crap that nobody else would care about. I like delving in to the deeper thoughts without using Google. Take yesterday, for example. My mother came to visit with me and help me around the house. We took a break to grab some lunch and hit a second hand store for a bookcase for Max's room. On the way, we passed the hospital where my brothers and I were born. She started to reminisce about our births. I'm fairly sure, after nearly 45 years on this planet, that I've never heard the details of any of this. I found out that my brother Jim was a quick and easy birth; he was born exactly 5 minutes after my father circled the parking lot and dropped her off at the front door of the emergency room. I, on the other hand, "was a pain in the ass" and apparently the best mistake that ever happened. My parents had bought a modest 3 bedroom house and had planned on having just my brothers. When they found out she was pregnant with me, they wondered how they would make room for baby #3. I tell you all of this with the fact that my mother did not say any of this hurtfully; she was simply recounting the story. So anyway, I did not want to come out. My grandparents were visiting from Florida. Every day, they would come over to the house and ask my parents if my mom was ready to have me. Finally, faced with the fact that my grandparents were leaving to go back to Florida, my mother called the doctor and requested that she be induced, which is what happened. My mother said that she always wondered what my real birthday would have been had she not been induced. Now here is where the pondering comes in...

When a baby is induced before its time, does that have an impact on the baby? I arranged to have my son induced because my doctor was going away on vacation for 2 weeks during my due date. I only wanted him to deliver my son. It was the most painful and traumatic labor ever. I knew that day, after the inducement medication kicked in, that I should have waited until he was ready to come. Every day since, I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I waited. Did inducement have an impact on him? I look at my brother Jim's personality. He is confident, antsy and ready to leave 5 minutes after arriving anywhere. I look at my personality. I'm a late bloomer. I never want to do anything uncomfortable until I'm good and ready or finally forced to act. My right side of my body is also completely different starting with a webbed toe and an irregular earlobe. I also grew differently and had an intensive spinal surgery when I was 16. On a deeper level, I wonder if there is a specific plan for each soul in the birthing process and what happens if that plan is unnaturally interrupted. Hmmm.... See what I mean about pondering useless crap? I asked Breen about this last night and he said that I certainly had an interesting angle but what good would it do now even if any of my theories were true? My mother can't go back and re-birth me just as I can't go back and re-birth my son.

On a lighter note, here are some lovely things that I've experienced over the past few days.

I'm enjoying sketching and making food notes in my new food diary:




I've been enjoying lush, orange produce:


and comfort foods like Noodles Romanoff and grilled Portabello mushrooms and avocado sandwiches:



I didn't find a bookcase yesterday but I did find an amazing sterling silver ring for $6 and a big sparkling belt buckle for $5. I was thrilled this morning to discover that the belt I bought in Oregon a few years back at a cowboy shop has a removable buckle. Now I can change them up!


Don't forget to visit my food blog for a chance to win a vintage sugar sack apron :)) Happy Friday!

Housewifen' ain't easy....

I seriously have no idea how the 50's housewife did it. No clue at all. They seemed to effortlessly clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, play bridge cook the pot roast and still manage to greet their husbands at the end of the day with a drink in one hand and pipe and slippers in another wearing a perfectly cheery linen dress and starched apron. Hell, on a good day I greet Breen at the door with my hair disheveled still wearing my yoga pants and coffee stained tank top that I had on when he left the house 10 hours prior. Imagine a bad one. I'm certain those housewives reached for "mother's little helper" but mine comes in the form of my mother. Seriously. I called her yesterday and asked her to come over and help me get the kids rooms organized. Desperate times call for desperate measures. When I'm in over my head, I call her. That woman is a freaking powerhouse AND she actually enjoys it. Imagine that. At one point, I tried to tempt her with a slice of my peanut butter pie but she remained steadfast in her cleaning mission and gave me a look that said "Get your ass back on task!". Now THAT'S dedication!

I vacuumed stairs. I hauled furniture around. We hauled out 5 huge trash bags of old clothing. I was on intimate terms with dust bunnies. Even though we made a hell of a lot of progress, the house is still in disarray. Yes, housewifen' ain't easy.....but I sure do love my mother!

Wishcasting Wednesday: What do you wish to begin?

Oh my, what a prompt! I'm afraid that there are way too many things that I've begun and left half finished. The process of beginning something is not difficult for me; it's the completion that's often a challenge.

But on a much deeper level, this past year has marked the beginning of so many things. In March, I got married to the most amazing, loving man; my soul mate, my true North. I am constantly in awe of the life I share with him. It was a beginning for me that has made every moment of hardship and challenge worth it so that we could step out in to the universe and find each other. In June, I lost my job of nearly 7 years. I was in desperate need of that ending. Even though I struggle with my path on the job search, I know that the door to my old job shut so that I could experience a new beginning. And it WILL come. This past year also found me dealing with my children in new and challenging ways. My son turned 13 and my daughter became an alien right before my eyes. With all of this in mind, I'd like to begin the following:

1. I'd like to begin looking at my job search in a new way. I'd like to really embrace the process and stop limiting my search based on the ways I used to see myself. I am dynamic, intelligent, caring and creative. I want to focus in on my best qualities.

2. I'd like to begin helping my son be the best he can be. Now that he's a teenager with Asperger's, the need to guide him is becoming even more important. He's so smart and capable and independent. I'd like to help him prepare for the "real world".

3. I'd like to begin to find ways to communicate better with my daughter. She's a lot like her father and that's not a good thing. I'd like to begin using better words with her and being more patient; I've said some damaging things that I'm not proud of. I'd like to begin taking the high road instead of spewing out hurtful words when she's made me hurt and angry. I'm the adult and she's the child and the things I say now can affect her for a long time to come.

4. I'd like to begin a search for a spiritual home. This has been really important to me for a long time. Yet, week after week, I never find myself committed to visiting churches.

5. I'd like to begin the process of being more proactive with the court system regarding my ex. He's gotten away with quite a bit and I haven't challenged him at all (I'm a people pleaser afterall). It no longer matters to me if we're "friends"; this is about the business of raising the kids. Period.

6. I'd like to begin volunteering at the Children's Hospital. This is something I've wanted to do for years. While I'm working on my job hunt, I'd also like to be giving something of myself in this way. One day. Two days per week. It really doesn't matter. I just want to serve others.

7. Finally, I'd like to begin pursuing some business ideas for certain areas of my art. I've been dragging my feet forever. My ideas could turn in to a new path.

PS: Don't forget to visit my meatless blog over here for a chance to win a funky vintage apron!

I am not a tart.....

If my cooking were graded, I got an F in baking last night. Somehow, I've hit a bad streak with baking lately. Yesterday, I made an Alsatian Tart with Blueberry Custard. All day I was completely stoked to make it. PLUS, I was set to feature it as my first "A" dish in my alphabetical cooking over at my food blog. It turned out HORRIBLE and INEDIBLE. Not even worthy of a photo. It was literally tossed in the garbage. Even Breen wouldn't eat it and he loves sweets! I'm noticing that several of the dessert recipes/sweet recipes that I've tried from various vegetarian cookbooks turn out tasting like cardboard. I see the link now: the vegetarian cookbooks push the "healthy" version of desserts, which basically translates in to "tasteless crap on a plate". When I want something sweet, I want 5 pounds of butter and 3 cups of white sugar. I'm worth that kind of indulgence from time to time. Screw the whole wheat, sour cream and applesauce substitutes! I think I've come to the following conclusions:

1. I like cooking over baking. The process of baking is too precise and rigid.
2. I won't be looking for dessert recipes in vegetarian cookbooks any more.

Furthermore, without getting too Freudian based here, I've been listening to some CDs from Martha Beck. She explains how we all have 2 sides of ourselves: our essential self and our social self. Unless the two sides match up, we can't find true fulfillment. Our essential part is who we are on the inside; our genetic blueprint if you will. Our social self is influenced by external factors: people, places, things. How does any of this tie in to my cooking you ask? Well, funny you should ask. See, my true essential self is basic, non-fancy and down-to-earth. My essential self is mashed potatoes, casseroles and comfort food. My social self looks at other food blogs tauting fancy complicated dishes with ingredients that can't even be found in at least 8 states. My social self tells me that's what people are impressed with, fancy dishes with big names. My social cooking is not who I am at all. No wonder I have food disasters when I ignore my essential cook that really wants to turn out gooey chocolate chip cookies with a huge glass of cold milk. Lesson learned: listen to the authentic voice of my essential self and my cooking will grow to awesome new heights. As a matter of fact, if I listen to my authentic essential voice, ALL areas of my life with grow to awesome new heights.