rock, paper, scissors

MOVING DAY!!!!

2009-11-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

This blog is moving back to my original Painted House blog. Please visit over here for all the new posts!

The Weekend Review

2009-11-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

We had a great weekend. The weather was beautiful and we spent a lot of time outside enjoying the sun. On Saturday, we took the kids to a funky little shopping area outside of the city. To my utter delight, I found a box of "The Housewives Taro: A Domestic Divination Kit." I have a small collection of Taro decks and this was one that I know is utterly unique! Check out these images. The deck comes in a box that's arranged like a recipe box. Some of the tab dividers have recipes from the 1950's. I love it.

Breen and I checked out a new church yesterday. It's going to be a slow process since our spiritual beliefs are pretty specific. I keep thinking that we'll walk in to a church and know immediately that it's our new home. But I'm not sure it works that way. Still, we're taking small steps out there to hopefully find it.

This morning (and all of yesterday), I've been fighting a head cold. The kind that doesn't make you feel miserable but just enough to be downright annoying. So I'm taking it easy.

I'm considering moving this blog over to The Painted House blog. I miss my original blog that I started so many years ago. It was the birthplace of my writing and my blog community connections. I had started to use it for my art only but I'm beginning to see that I like one place to blog about everything.

Last, but not least, some photos from the weekend:

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to experience?

2009-11-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

Within the past year and half, I've been given the blessing of new beginnings. A clean slate. A blank canvas. I pocketful of seeds. As each day comes and goes, tiny patches of light are revealed so that I can see just a tiny bit more on this path. It's taken me this long to realize that time spent time travelling back to my past is unproductive and a waste of blessings. Life is right here. Right now. In this moment. There is so much to experience. So much to jump up and down with joy for.

I wish to experience:

*The process of writing a book. I've started writing down the foundation.

*Taking my knitting skills to a higher level

*Owning my own business one day. Perhaps a store filled with art, coffee, books, poetry readings, acoustic music nights and lots of good conversations with my community.

*The freedom of not looking back and the joy of living every single moment.

*The perfect livelihood

*The perfect unique house for Breen and me.

*bottomless joy, never ending possibilities and fearless action

*creating a website for all of my creations and actually selling them (this is a BIG challenge since I'm not exactly tech savvy)

*deeper connections with my faith and my community

*going back to school to get certified in teaching; ultimately in Special Education

planting new seeds

2009-11-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

If you've been following along for a while, you know that I'm job hunting. More important than "job hunting" is the search for my right livelihood. So often I think people stay inside their boxes. Especially those of us who have accumulated years of life experiences plus the conditioning we got over and over again from our childhoods. We tell ourselves limiting thoughts and after a while we forget the joy of unlimited possibilities. I am so tired of finding myself harping over my age and skill set. I'm so tired of being intimidated by my ex, even though we haven't been together for years.

Today I realized that I've been looking back too much and reflecting on my past experiences. My first marriage was the worst 12 years of my adulthood. Woven in there are the jobs I took which really did nothing for my spirit. But guess what? I'm no longer in that crappy marriage and I'm no longer working those crappy jobs. Sure I'm 45 but I've also been given the most amazing blessing of a new marriage to an amazing man and finding myself with no job. It's like I've been given a whole new plot of land to plant some new seeds. A blank canvas to paint. In my mind and spirit I can be ageless. I can feel the joy of starting just where I am today with a handful of seeds and a plot of fresh tilled soil. If you're over 30, do you remember when you were fresh out of high school and the world was your oyster? Many of us had no kids back then. No real bills. No real responsibilities. Everything was new and full of possibility. We can still go back there any time and at any age just by changing our thinking habits. I don't have to keep time travelling to my past and limit my thinking or define myself by the skill sets that never served me well in the first place. Having new seeds to sow is my biggest gift and blessing. That, my friends, is joy. Pure joy.

Six Word Saturday

2009-10-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

Creating brings out my inner beauty.

I've come to understand that I am at my absolute best when I'm creating. I find myself in a zone; a unique state of bliss. If the energy is right and the planets line up just so, I could get lost for hours in a project. I've always been frustrated that God gave me this gift of creativity and I've never been able to focus on just one thing. My talents run all over the place from painting to knitting to sewing to making books. Now if I could just channel all of these talents in to a full time gig.....

Surrendering

2009-10-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

This morning, I had a very big "ah ha" moment while I was driving in my car. It hit me that relationships extend well beyond just those we have with people. We have relationships with our higher power, we have relationships with work. I have intimate relationships with each piece of art I create. Let me back up a bit to give a clearer picture.

Last night, I had to take an on-line Microsoft Office test for a potential job. Even though I have many years of work experience, I really never used PowerPoint or excel very often. I never really had a need to do elaborate word documents. I completely bombed the test. My mind, by habit, started berating me with things like, "you're so stupid and everyone will see you as an idiot" and "you will never get another office job again if you can't work these programs." But guess what? I have never been passionate about administrative work; it's simply something I fell in to long ago and stayed out of habit. I don't really give a rat's ass about learning all of these programs. Building pie charts and creating mail merges is about as exciting to me as listening to the evening news in Greek.

I've always thought of relationships as something to do with people. A few months before I met Breen, I had finally had it with bad relationships. My habit of giving myself over to the wrong men was a vicious cycle. Before I met my ex-husband, I found myself in a nightmarish abusive relationship that took too long to get out of. Then I married my ex and stayed in a loveless marriage for over a decade. After my divorce, I had a string of unhealthy relationships with men who never could give as much as I was giving to them. I wasn't really able to shine in those relationships because they were a bad fit. After my last bad relationship came to a halt, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with God in which I surrendered. I said to Him, "Ok God, I'm done with bad relationships. I see my patterns and I hear you loud and clear that this is not what you want for me. If your intention is for me to be alone, then show me the best way to be strong as a single person. If you have a wonderful partner for me, please let him be revealed. But I will not accept any more of the bad relationships; I'd rather be alone." I didn't ask and beg God for a new man; I simply surrendered and made myself open to receive whatever the big plan was. Three months later, I met Breen and a year to the date of our first meeting, we got married and my life with him is more than I could ever have imagined. I honestly never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would have this level of deep and pure love.

Just like my history of bad relationships with men, I have a history of bad relationships with jobs. I've spent over 20 years working jobs that I never felt very passionate about. I think the humiliation and pain of taking that test last night was God's final way of saying, "OK, you don't seem to be listening to a single message so I'm going to throw you a big sign that I do not want you to keep seeking administrative jobs." Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being an administrative assistant. It is simply not for me. So today, from a job standpoint, I realized that I am in the exact same place as I was before I met Breen. I sat there in my car and surrendered this job thing over to God. I told Him that I hear loud and clear that I'm meant to go much further outside my job box. I told him that I want a wonderful job that showcases my talents and that I will not accept any more bad jobs. I have faith that, if God answered my prayers and brought me Breen, he can do the same with a job.

2009-10-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

It feels like I've abandoned my blogging lately. I'm still here in spirit but I think I've just needed more time spent with only me. I've got some time now to get quiet, less distracted and more tuned in to the messages from the Universe. I've had some bad days (poor husband for putting up with me) and I'm finding myself now in much better places with myself. I'm still creating as I continue the job search. I've started a file with clippings of art and craft that inspires me. Last weekend, I took a workshop for this and I'm letting my brain run full speed ahead with the myriad of opportunities for designs:

I'm also finishing and starting new hand painted furniture pieces and also finishing up some aprons for Etsy.

I've been cooking less and walking more. In the midst of my meatless food blog, I realized that I was packing on a few pounds with all the things that were constantly being tested in my kitchen.

I've been reading like crazy. For some reason, I'm really craving words right now. Any and all kinds of books will due. I've got tall stacks from the library strategically placed around the house.

I'm finishing up my last meditation class this week, which I will truly miss.

I've reconnected with an old book that finally was returned to me: Organizing from the inside out by Julie Morgenstern. A fabulous book if, like me, you're forever trying new ways to get on top of the house. I'm taking one room at a time and breaking it down in to small cleaning projects. This morning, I tackled one little storage cabinet and one counter top in my kitchen. Throughout the remainder of the week, I'll continue with one or two cabinets each day until the kitchen is finished.

I'm simply allowing myself the time to explore, rest, search and listen. And that feels good.

six word saturday

2009-10-24T05:23:00.001-07:00

Life began when he walked in.

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to say yes to?

2009-10-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

These days find me in an odd place. I haven't quite been my usual self. Without my role as "worker", I'm floundering around on dry land like a fish out of water. I'm constantly in the state of processing a million thoughts daily. I feel small and lost at times. I never realized how a job title defined who I was for so long and it stings every time I realize the value people place on what others do for a living. Although my previous job wasn't even a high end power position, I was still a woman with a purpose every day; a place to go, an entity collecting a paycheck and contributing much more than I do now. Some days the time flies by and others it feels like the walls are closing in. And through all of this, I struggle with seriously tough questions like,

Does God really exist when the times are hard like this?
Does my husband still see me for the good things he fell in love with?
Do my kids respect that I'm home now?
Do I really need to write like I used to? Cook like I used to?
Do I have worth when I'm not working?
Am I less attractive because of this struggle?

So today, I wish to say yes to all of my doubting questions. Yes to letting God in. Yes, I am a good wife and mother. Yes, I need to have my creative outlets. Yes I am worthy and loved and attractive. Yes, I will find the perfect way to generate income and feel important with myself. Yes, I am enough.

2009-10-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Proverbially speaking, I am taking apart and repainting my house....little by little...very slowly....one room at a time

Went on a 5 mile walk this morning. Cleared my head. Working on trying to look better. I feel like an old worn out cow these days. I brought my camera along for the trek. I can't promise that I'll stick with this, but I sure would like to. I spotted all sorts of pumpkins and apples that reminded me of the new season:

Lots and lots of mums:

I came across a store display that had me frozen on the spot. Some things are bittersweet. Like remembering how my own Max loved when I read to him about the Wild Things. It feels like a lifetime ago....

So many tracks

2009-10-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

Busy past few days. The kind that put your brain through the emotional wash cycle 6 times over. But it was all good. My son is home today. We decided to drive down to some train tracks nearby so I could take a few photos. There has always been something very mesmerizing about train rides and train tracks. Maybe it's just the feeling of a bigger time and space other than where you are. Miles and miles of new journeys and endless new beginnings. Some days it feels like my left foot and my right foot are trying to step out on to two different tracks. When I finished playing at the train track, I was driving home when I noticed that the stone in my engagement ring was gone. I immediately drove back and spent over a half hour sifting through pebbles and rocks and shards of broken glass in the area where I had been previously standing. Nothing. I'm sure I didn't bump my hand against anything. It is simply gone. I feel very sad but I also know that these things happen for a reason.

The Joy diet: Desire

2009-10-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

I've got quite a few desires, but this week found my focus centered around my spiritual life. I have a desire to dig deeper inside of myself and explore my true purpose here in the universe. I've actually had this desire for a long time but I have found myself really in tune with this need for the past few months. This week, I started a four week meditation class and I'm planning on attending a two day workshop this weekend where the work is centered around "my right service." It feels like good progress for me. Trust me, it is empowering to take care of my needs. I've had this long standing habit of putting my desires on the shelf for a zillion reasons. I used to be so incredibly impatient and thought I had to have every answer right away. Now, I'm embracing the fact that seeking answers begins with small, gentle steps. I also believe that there may never be any concrete answers. The journey of our desires begins with a single action or step. Once we take action, who knows where our steps will ultimately lead us? How many times have you heard someone say that they never would have guessed in a million years that they would end up in the place where they feel unbelievably successful and fulfilled? I'll bet that their initial desires may have been vastly different than where they ended up. That's the beauty of desire. That's the mystery.

Self awareness and a few sweet things...

2009-10-08T07:25:00.001-07:00

This week, I've really been focused on the ways I'm serving and honoring God, myself, Breen, kids/family/friends and job. Today, I'm taking a meditation class from a woman who works out at my gym. On Friday and Saturday I'm taking a workshop at our church on "My Right Service". I'm the type of person who loves to take care of everyone else and maybe fit myself and my needs in there somewhere. So these are nice big steps for me this week.

I whipped up a batch of Chocolate Nut Clusters this morning to feature over at my food blog:

You can check out new art finds over at my art blog.

Finally, a pictures I like of Breen and me this week:

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to complete?

2009-10-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

I think this week's prompt hit me right between the eyes. I have so many things left unfinished that I'd love to see through to completion:

An ottoman that needs more painting, a seat cushion and fabric
A rocking chair for my niece's baby
Two half aprons that need ties
Four more aprons that need to be sewn
Unfinished laundry
Amazing ideas for projects that are dying of loneliness
Daily "to do" lists with half the items checked off

I was just talking with Breen last night about how inspired and awestruck I am with the way that he focuses on particular goals and passions and keeps at them diligently until each one is fulfilled and/or completed. I've never been particularly strong in that area. Sure I have passions, projects and great ideas but I always seem to get so distracted with a new idea that things get left in the corner unfinished. And it's not just with creative things either. I'm a Type B personality. My husband is Type A. Do personality types have a direct correlation to incompleteness? With each day, I'm growing and processing and learning so much. My greatest wish is to really get deep down inside and get some clarity on why things are left undone. I know I feel empowered and productive when I am able to see something to completion.

Tuesday update

2009-10-06T06:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the fog waiting for it to lift and reveal my next part of the path. Lately, my mind has been buzzing non-stop. It's been processing so very much. Unfortunately, as open as I am, most of it needs to stay safely tucked away in my journal for now. I can tell you that I'm tracking my daily progress in the five areas of my life: God, self, significant other, family/friends and career. Specifically, how am I honoring and serving in those areas every day? Interestingly enough, the most challenging areas for me are God and career. I wholeheartedly believe in God but the challenge is how do I honor Him? I can never seem to get my mind still to sit in quiet time. And the career part? Well, it's been YEARS since I had to look for a job. Back then, it was a different economic climate and it never took me very long to get an interview. It's just a very different ball game now. My intention is to secure a job soon.

Breen completed his first half ironman on Sunday. His longest race yet. It is an honor and thrill to be there at the finish line of every race. Here are some pictures:

Six word Saturday

2009-10-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

Good words of advise: wear sunscreen.

I think this clip says it all.

The Joy Diet: truth

2009-10-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

The work of Byron Katie is featured in the truth section of The Joy Diet. A few years ago, I attended a workshop on the teachings of Byron Katie at a sweat lodge that I was somewhat active in. Since that time, I had forgotten about her work. Until this week. I think people tell themselves lots of painful stories that aren't true. It comes from years of negative tapes looping over and over again in our heads. I like the idea of these "truth questions" because JOY is a choice and so are the stories we tell ourselves. We don't have to continue suffering through the same old worn out and useless stories. We can gently shift our thinking for happier endings.

Here's what I learned about MY truth this week. I've had a bad habit over the years of not being active in my own life. My stories were so loud that I couldn't get quiet enough to hear anything better. As some of you know, I've been out of work since the beginning of the summer. This has turned out to be such an amazing blessing. Each day, very slowly, I am beginning to get to some quiet places where I my truest self is finally listening. My truth is this: Every day that I wake up on this earth is a gift from God. If we receive a gift, we shouldn't waste it. All that I'm required to do in my life is to simply show up each day and be present. I don't have to accomplish grande and impressive things; I simply have to be present and do something. This week, I've been asking myself how can I best serve God, myself, my significant other, my children and family, and my career. I've been doing a little in each area daily and the truth is, my old stories are beginning to crumble. When I'm showing up and being present and serving, it makes all the difference in the world.

Birthday

2009-10-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's my husband's birthday today. It was the best day of my life when he walked in to my world. Every day feels complete and whole. He is my home. He is my heart. He is my best friend and soul mate. He is my true North. I am amazed and humbled to be his wife. He has my undying love and unwavering support for an eternity and beyond. I love you, Baby!

Now...what do you get the man who has everything? You get him a bad ass flaming stegosaurus bike helmet cover to keep his gorgeous bald head warm during his long winter training rides, of course!

A moment on my soap box

2009-10-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

Indulge me, just for a minute or two. Every now and then I climb up on to my soap box and I need to be heard.

Recently, my mother gave me a make-up bag that was filled with some skin care samples. One of her friend's daughters works in the make-up department of a big department store. Through her friend, my mother is a recipient of all the latest products. So, this morning I decided to empty the bag and use it in my handbag. Here are the things I found:

I just can't help but wonder how many billions of dollars are spent by women all over the globe who think that products like these will make them look more beautiful. I suffered through a loveless marriage for over a decade. When I finally found my freedom, I started to unearth pieces of me that were in a coma for so long. In that time of self-discovery, I glowed like a 1000 watt light bulb. People noticed it. And you know what? I wasn't using an ounce of make-up or expensive skin care products that promised me the rebirth of my youth. I was sexy. I was vibrant. And that comes from the INSIDE OUT. Too many women forget that true beauty can not be purchased at any price. We buy in to these companies that prey on our egos like vultures. One company, in particular, is shameless enough to tap in to our spiritual appeal. Check out these products from "Philosophy":

When hope is not enough ($50.00 for 60 capsules. I kid you not). A replentishing eye cream that magically removes wrinkles while you sleep.

How about "Handmade?". Create with your hands, heal with your hands, touch with your hands, work with your hands, extend your hands and PRAY with your hands.

Give me a break! This is how I pray with my hands. Every single morning. And I don't need to shell out $10.00 for one ounce so that God will admire my soft hands and listen to me a little closer.

Wishcasting Wednesday...what do you wish to share?

2009-09-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been such a curmudgeon, you know? On most days, if you asked me what I'd like to share, I certainly wouldn't want to pass on my outward behavior. But, each day I am coming to embrace and understand that I am going through this period of time for a reason. I am exactly where I need to be right now and it will pass and when it does, I'll be at such a good place with myself. Little pieces are starting to come together for me. INSIDE of me is the place where my pure joy and purpose really live. Inside of me, at the core of my soul, is a loving heart so big; so compassionate; so ready to share.

I wish to share pieces of my journey to those who are young enough to just be starting out on their theirs or to those who have been on their journey for a long time. At 45, I've learned so much. I'm certainly no voice of authority but I've got so much to share.

I wish to share my joy and compassion in a setting where I am working with others; either teaching or owning my own store. Every time I walk in to a school, I am overcome with regret that I changed my major in college from Early Childhood Education. I love working with people; especially young children. I'm looking in to what I need to do to obtain a teaching certificate in my state.

I wish to share with the world how very much I adore my husband. The man is a saint in my book. No matter the mood I find myself in, he patiently sits by with his love and support. I believe it's because of him that I can move through this transition and get to the other side where I can be me but a thousand times better. He inspires me and silently guides me every single day. My world would not be the same without him in it. I pinch myself wondering why he chose me.

I wish to share how important it is to help others that have a more difficult time in the world. My son is going through a difficult time right now with social issues. Any shred of compassion that I have, I learned from him. I've learned that "being different" does not mean "being damaged." We can learn so much from people who see the world in a different way. Because of my son, I'm learning to serve others. I think that's one reason why God gave me Max so that I could find my compassionate voice and use it for the highest good.

I wish to share my art updates with you over here.

I wish to share a FREE APRON GIVEAWAY with you over here!

Gratitude

2009-09-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, Breen and I went to church. We had not been in quite a long time. Initially, when we first discovered that Reverend John would not be doing the service, I was hesitant about "the quality" of the service. Boy, did I misjudge that one! The sermon was on gratitude; specifically unconditional gratitude. And by this I mean the idea of being grateful without basing it on external things. For example, when I say that I'm grateful for my husband, children, the roof over our heads and my health, I really am grateful. But, if my husband left tomorrow, my kids were suddenly not here, I found myself homeless with failing health, would I still be grateful? Of course those are extreme examples but the point is, what would you be grateful for if all the familiar external blessings suddenly changed?

Lately, I haven't been myself. Where is my joy, I ask myself. I feel like 100 years old. I don't feel that wonderful sense of playfulness and I feel less than attractive. Some days I feel like my worth is tied to the kitchen and the washing machine. I know these stories I tell myself aren't true. I know I am filled with an abundance of good things; I just don't let them come out and shine these days. But life has taught me that you have to hold hands with the crappiness just as much as you would hold hands with the joyfulness. You have to walk right alongside all the feelings until you reach a new part of your path. So today I am grateful for being. Each new day is a gift, even if you find yourself in a bad spot. A new day is a chance to do things differently than you did the day before. Just being here on the planet with a chance to keep stepping out and learning are reasons enough to be grateful.

Six Word Saturday

2009-09-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

The image of numbers fascinates me.

I love numbers. Maybe in a past life, I was a numbers guru or a high rolling gambler. Who knows? Yesterday was my birthday and I was adamant this year about NO GIFTS. I broke my own rule though and bought myself a gift. I stumbled across this giant dice and simply had to have it. My lucky number also happens to be 52. But that's another story for another day.....

PS: my husband came home with flowers for me and inside the bouquets were two pairs of funky reading glasses, which I also love!

The Joy Diet: Nothing

2009-09-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to learn about nothing. I used to think that doing nothing wasn't that difficult. I've always craved my own down time. It goes all the way back to when I was a little girl. I was one of those kids who could play for hours by herself in her bedroom. I used to lay in the grass for hours watching clouds go by and hunting for four leaf clovers. I didn't have a care in the world and I knew nothing about the years to come. I was just a little girl living in the moment each and every day. Sometimes I yearn for that simplicity but the reality is that I'm a big girl now with her pockets overflowing with life stories actually lived. Stories of worry. Stories of regret. Stories of long journeys down paths that I can't seem to find yet. But mixed in there are also stories of happiness and stories of finding my feet.
Stories of true love.

I've been looking for work since June. During the summer, my days were spent hearing the voices of my kids but now they are back in school and the house is too quiet. The silence is sometimes deafening. I realize how much I've been programmed to be doing "something." When the silence really gets to me, I find this voice inside yelling, "what are you going to do now?!" And it is in that moment that I take a deep breath, put on some nice soothing meditation music and do some deep yoga stretches. I also have a CD called "Luxor Meditation" by John-Rodger which runs about 23 minutes and really allows me to chill out. Believe it or not, I find myself in a zone when I sew or do an art project. In those moments, I'm so immersed in the process that an hour could go by without thinking of anything. What have I learned this week? I've learned that the art of doing nothing is something that has to be learned and practiced. Like riding a bike or learning a new language, it's only as successful as the time you put in to it.

A new find

2009-09-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited, I could pee myself. Seriously. These days, I've inflicted so much stress upon myself that when something truly joyful and sublime comes across the radar, I stop for a moment and check to see if there are any candid cameras in the room. A new food find usually brings me joy and today was no exception. I was in Trader Joe's this morning when I spotted Sesame Crepes on the shelf. I snatched up a package immediately. $1.19 for two 7 1/2 inch crepes which are covered with sesame seeds, a little sugar, peanuts and cashews. Half a crepe is all you need for a delicious snack. I cut my half in to little wedges and topped each one with fresh fruit, peanut butter and honey. You do the math; this packet provides 4 days worth of afternoon bliss for less than 30 cents per day. Well? What are you waiting for? Get thyself to Trader Joe's!

Wishcasting Wednesday: what luxury do you wish for?

2009-09-23T04:56:00.000-07:00

This week, I'll be turning 45. The idea of "luxury" is an interesting thought right now. I'm not exactly a luxury kind of girl. The luxuries that I wish for certainly aren't things that anyone can give me and they aren't necessarily things that I could easily reach out and grab for myself.

I'd like the luxury of aging gracefully. It's time to color my hair again and I made the decision yesterday to let it come in gray from here on out. I've been coloring my hair for 20 years. The first one came when I was 25; now everything coming up is gray. What's wrong with aging anyway? If God intended for women to look 30 for their entire lives, he would have stopped the aging process for us right there. Why is it that when men turn gray, it's distinguished but when women turn gray, it's time to hide it with artificial color? It's actually quite hideous how the world is obsessed with stopping the aging process. Just go to any drug store and stroll the aisles. Face creams, anti-wrinkle creams and the list goes on. I'm certainly not a beautiful woman by magazine standards but I'm still happy with the genes that I've inherited. Mantra: I do not have to be a Barbie Doll to be accepted.

I'd like the luxury of waking up and having just one care-free day. I'm inundated with the stress of being unemployed and feeling inadequate because I'm not doing something impressive or contributing in bigger ways to our family. I'm trying to turn the other cheek with my ex-husband and stand my ground but he's on his own little vengeance trip and I've come to expect some type of ambush daily.

I'd like the luxury of seeing my son have a care-free life with no bullying and, if I could add in an extra wish, a few friends for him to hang with.

I'd like the luxury of experiencing peace with my daughter. What I wouldn't give to exchange conversation and kind words with her. I'm not sure which is worse, the deafening silence or the bitter words.

I'd like the luxury of taking about 75% of the clothes I own and hauling them out to the curb. I'd love to replace and update everything. Ok...that was one materialistic wish.

A time to play....

2009-09-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I took Max to an old train station where he filmed some of the track action. While he filmed, I played around with my camera (pictures best viewed large):

Then I played with some images I already had:

Enough playing for now. While I got lost in time yesterday, the laundry piled up and the bathroom never got cleaned. A million little things always need attention. I'm glad I always find time for a little play.

A few lovely Sunday things...

2009-09-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

I've had a really nice weekend and the weather has been beautiful and cool. This morning, Breen ran in the Philadelphia Distance Run:

When we went in to the city yesterday to pick up his race packet, we had breakfast at the Reading Terminal where I also got to load up on my favorite 99 cent produce bags from OK Lee Produce Stand. And speaking of produce and good food, today I took Max to our local Japanese grocery store and came back with a few delicious things. I'm hooked now on the their refrigerated Fried Tofu, which comes in a long thin strip. Perfect for slicing in to thin strips and stirring in to a stir fry!

There are still more delicious finds today. When we got back from the race this morning, our neighbors were having a huge yard sale. I bought a big side table for $5 and a chair for $5. These are PERFECT pieces to re-paint in my own funky style.

Yellow is bright and gorgeous, don't you think?

Check out this interesting "thing" that's growing on my parent's Dogwood tree. I simply had to pull one off and feel it in my hands. It looks sort of like a strawberry and it's soft too.

Finally, I am almost done the base of my old ottoman:

Six word Saturday

2009-09-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

Find a place to create peace.

I'm one of those people who loves visual reminders of peace and fond memories. Little bowls filled with shells from a trip to California, old tin cups filled with snippets of paper I've collected on walks....

I recently was given an old book case that was intended to be used in my son's room. It stayed downstairs for so long that I decided it would be perfect to use for my own personal shrine in our living room. Every day I walk by it or sit and look. It holds a cross I found outside a catholic church, a big stone Buddha that an old co-worker gave me, a box filled with letters, special photos and lots of prayer books. This is my own little shrine; a place that instantly calms me.

The Joy diet...week one

2009-09-18T06:05:00.001-07:00

Years ago, I purchased The Joy Diet and it's been sitting on my shelf ever since. I've read parts of it from time to time. But recently, I listened to Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star and I was really impressed with so much of her approach. When I saw that The Joy Diet was up next for book blogging, I knew immediately that I wanted in!

In March of this year, I married my North Star. Every day feels joyful with my husband. Life wasn't always this kind to me though. As I continue on this journey of joy and self-discovery, I think it's well worth while to participate in this group. My experience in my blogging community has been so amazingly supportive and uplifting. As a group, we can get through this book together with so much love and support!

Joy is a choice; so is anger and self-defeat. It's obvious which is the better choice and yet, we spend so much time bashing ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to live life fully. I'm learning to "take the high road" and walk away from situations that have traditionally zapped me of my joy. You know what? It feels so damn good to let nasty things go and shift my focus back to the joy and beauty around me.

I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you.

A diversion....

2009-09-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing very much lately. Instead, I've been reserving my on-line time primarily for job searching. I still write daily in my journals but I miss being here. In any case, I thought I'd take a little break and share some creative fun. I've had this over sized ottoman sitting in my family room half finished for a while now. It's pretty normal for me to have 100 things left undone, but lately I've been trying to change my ways and pick a few things that I am absolutely resolved to see to the end. When I first started painting this ottoman, Breen told me it reminded him of Alice in Wonderland; the piece soon became affectionately known as "Alice". But after a while I realized that "Alice" wasn't resonating with me. Early this morning I looked over at it and the light bulb went off. My husband loves argyle and the lines of this piece are perfect for that theme. So now, I'm off in a new re energized direction and my husband will have his own one-of-a-kind argyle ottoman. I can't wait to design the seat! Here's an odd little fact: whenever I hand paint a piece of furniture, I usually end up painting it in the room it is intended for. Something about the energy? I'm not sure.....

Wishcasting Wednesday: How do you wish to stretch?

2009-09-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

The first word that came to mind today was "growth". I have been stuck in old patterns of thinking for such a long time. There are 2 very specific areas where I need to grow and stretch: dealing with my ex-husband and finding the work life that is meant for me.

As you may know, I've been unemployed since June of this year. This has been a time of challenge for me. I've had to confront some really nasty self-sabotaging thoughts. Every day as I continue my job search, I feel frustrated. I'm answering ads for things that fit my "old life". Things that look interesting seem way out of my league and I find myself thinking horrible, limiting thoughts about my potential. I'm acutely aware of how society values a person's profession. It seems like everything I read is followed by the person's occupation and brief bio on their accomplishments and it leaves me feeling so insignificant. What is my true purpose here? There is a magnificent way of earning a living out there just for me but I have no idea how to get to it. My wish today is to destroy the old tapes and stretch my possibilities as far as they can go.

As far as my ex-husband is concerned, I've had a long history of swallowing my anger and letting him walk all over me. He gets away with so much because I never have the nerve to challenge and confront him. Instead of speaking to him directly, I've been directing harsh words to my kids instead. He often intimidates me with his craziness and he knows exactly how to cut me to shreds with a single word or two. He is a 47 year old emotional bully who is actually more like a scared little boy on the inside. Lately, I see myself stretching in the smallest ways. He no longer has control over me. I'm remarried and living a wonderful, loving life with my soul mate. Actually, he never had the control in the first place; I simply reacted in ways to his behavior that gave him the upper hand. This week, I set the wheels in motion with the court system, which is something I avoided for far too long. I'm no longer afraid of his reaction. I'm prepared to speak my mind and stand my ground. Today, my wish is to keep stretching in ways that make me more confident and strong when dealing with him and his parents.

Six word Saturdays

2009-09-12T06:09:00.001-07:00

The summer days are fading quickly.

2009-09-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

This week has really whirled by! I've accomplished quite a bit actually. It seems like forever and day that I've had 3 major projects sitting around half finished: my Helen chair, my wedding quilt and my Alice ottoman. I finally finished the seat for Helen:

Yesterday, I put my wedding quilt together. What a job! Sewing a quilt together that measures 91x101 is no small thing. It's a good thing I don't make these for a living. I happen to love the little imperfections in my own work. I have to be so much more careful when I'm selling something. Here it is on our bed. The big charm for me are the squares that have a bride and groom in a hot air balloon.

I've been thinking about starting up another 365 day self portrait project. Thinking about is the key phrase here. This month I turn 45. A lot of changes have happened over the past year or so. Big changes are about to come. The last major life change I went through brought out the photographer in me. I learned so much about myself through those self portraits. I've noticed that I haven't been interested in taking photos for a while now. I'd love to bring that back but I also know it's not something I can force. So for now, I'm merely thinking about it.....

What else? I'll be starting in with "B" recipes over at my food blog next week. Don't forget about the apron giveaway over there!

2009-09-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday of this week, I got a brain flash. I decided to keep a running list throughout the day of what I was actually doing. So much of the time, I beat the crap out of myself for the things I don't accomplish. It's funny how the human mind works, isn't it? Generally speaking, we focus in first on our negative attributes while the good things inside of us are screaming for a shred of recognition. I was really pleased with myself at the end of the day on Tuesday. I really had managed to accomplish quite a bit. I did the same thing yesterday but made a conscious effort to observe how much time was spent "doing things". Was there anything that I was avoiding? Was I spending to much time just keeping myself busy with "things to do"? I've been listening to Martha Beck and she has a method of looking at our tasks for the day and rating them on a scale of -10 to +10. When you find a negative rating, it's something that doesn't feel good to you at all. That's when you decide about the 3 B's: Bag it, barter it or better it. Example: you have to take out the trash, which you HATE doing. Do you bag it and decide to never take trash out again? Do you ask your mate to barter with you; maybe he/she would take out the trash in exchange for you doing something for them? Do you find a way to make trash removal a better experience? So, my task for myself now is to look at how I'm spending my time and looking at the negative things that I am avoiding. My intention is to get right on top of those unpleasant things and turn them around for myself. I truly believe that we all have the ability to turn around an unpleasant situation or task by changing the way we approach it. Living life with a positive spin is so much more fulfilling.

Wishcasting Wednesday: what do you wish to learn?

2009-09-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

I used to keep an updated bucket list filled with so many things that I wanted to learn. I think learning is the gateway to ourselves. When you get a strong feeling that you want to learn something, it's probably your truest self asking you to expand; the more you know, the closer you get to your purpose. Here's my list, in no particular order, of some things I want to learn:

1. how to flyfish
2. how to crochet
3. how to ride a motorcycle
4. A million and one new art techniques
5. how to plant a big, organic vegetable garden
6. how to make and can my own jams and jellies
7. how to open my own store
8. how to operate commercial coffee makers and cappuccino machines for said store
9. how to sew better
10. how to be kinder to myself
11. how to listen to my heart more than I listen to my head
12. how to stand my ground better with the kids
13. how to know God better
14. how to meditate
15. how to market my art
16. how to write and publish a book
17. how football is played so I can actually watch the games with Breen
18. how to be a better baker
19. how to get through a book without skipping ahead 20 pages

Tuesday and a new change

2009-09-08T06:05:00.000-07:00

This morning my daughter started back to school. My son went back last week. Up until this morning, I had fallen in to a "comfortable" routine being home with the kids. But now, the house is empty and I am reminded that there is so much I need to do in order to secure a new job and get myself back out there. I miss having a paycheck and I really want more than anything to feel like I'm contributing to our household in more ways than just doing laundry and cleaning. I'm feeling something that I can't quite put my finger on....sad? inedequate? useless? I'm not sure. I was reminded of another thing this morning too. Watching my daughter leave the house for school tugged at my heartstrings. Once, years ago, I sat at the bottom of the driveway with her every day waiting for the bus. Now, she's almost bigger than me and wants nothing to do with my presence at all during the morning school routine. I know it's normal to experience all this. It just makes me see how truly fast the time goes. I don't want to turn around one of these days and see how much time went by while I sat in this house. I want to get out there and take the world by its heels, in my own unique way.

Just a few shots today. I'm still having fun with my food journal.

Last night I made the most delicious Linguine with Artichoke Sauce. Go over here to get the recipe!

The end of summer

2009-09-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's Labor Day and that brings summer to a near close. We've been hanging around this weekend. Relaxing. Eating. Playing. Reading. Kendall has the Twilight book. I picked it up out of curiosity and now I'm hooked. I've finished that one and I'm now half way through New Moon, the 2nd in the series. What else has been going on over the past few days?

Bubble blowing.....

A haircut (2-3 inches off)......

A big batch of Tomato Gravy (GO OVER HERE FOR THE RECIPE AND STORY)....

Time with Max....

Badminton at my parent's house.......

followed by a yummy dinner....

and more badminton. Breen and Kendall are the uber competitive in our little family. They like to play until a definite victory is declared

or until it's so dark that one of them can't see the shuttlecock anymore ;))

Like mother, like daughter...don't you think?

The mental dig

2009-09-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

8:02 am. Coffee is ready. Thank God. I didn't sleep well last night. Sad dreams. Tossing and turning. Even now, I'd like to write something decent but the words aren't flowing. Do you think there is a mental bulldozer that comes around right before a new change and starts digging and plowing and making a dirty mess? Maybe if we get too complacent, we have to have our soul soil delved in to and shifted around? That's what it feels like lately. there is some sort of shift coming around again. I don't know what it is but I can smell it. I can feel it. My air is charged with it. And I can't shake the feeling that it's not a good change. And THAT is what is bothering me this morning.

Six Word Saturday

2009-09-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find myself remembering her.

An ex-best friend gave me this as a birthday present. It was supposed to symbolize the endless circle of friendship. She was one of the greatest sources of strength for me when I first found myself alone after my divorce. She was like a sister. I sat inches from her feet as her baby came in to the world. But she took advantage of my kindness and the circle was broken. We fell out over money, of all things. She needed to borrow a large sum and she knew I had a little money stashed away in savings. She also knew it was all I had to my name but I loved her like family and trusted her and lent it to her with the promise of paying me back. Slowly, she claimed near bankruptcy and deep depression and distanced herself from me. She absolutely knew of my hardships as a single mother raising 2 kids and yet, whenever I saw her, she always had her hair and nails perfectly done and a refrigerator full of food. She made endless promises to repay me in small installments. She never did. After a while it was no longer about the money; it was a matter of respect and moral fiber. I was hurt that she cared more about herself than honoring me as a friend and kind human being. Eventually, she stopped calling me altogether. Every now and then, I wonder how she is able to look at herself in the mirror. Every now and then I wonder if her conscience got the best of her and I’ll find a check in the mail. I’ve moved on to an amazing new life but still….sometimes I find myself remembering her.

Join along in Six Word Saturday over here. Happy weekend!

Birthing matters and a few lovely things....

2009-09-04T05:15:00.001-07:00

My mind doesn't always want to produce average, ordinary thoughts. I like pondering about useless crap that nobody else would care about. I like delving in to the deeper thoughts without using Google. Take yesterday, for example. My mother came to visit with me and help me around the house. We took a break to grab some lunch and hit a second hand store for a bookcase for Max's room. On the way, we passed the hospital where my brothers and I were born. She started to reminisce about our births. I'm fairly sure, after nearly 45 years on this planet, that I've never heard the details of any of this. I found out that my brother Jim was a quick and easy birth; he was born exactly 5 minutes after my father circled the parking lot and dropped her off at the front door of the emergency room. I, on the other hand, "was a pain in the ass" and apparently the best mistake that ever happened. My parents had bought a modest 3 bedroom house and had planned on having just my brothers. When they found out she was pregnant with me, they wondered how they would make room for baby #3. I tell you all of this with the fact that my mother did not say any of this hurtfully; she was simply recounting the story. So anyway, I did not want to come out. My grandparents were visiting from Florida. Every day, they would come over to the house and ask my parents if my mom was ready to have me. Finally, faced with the fact that my grandparents were leaving to go back to Florida, my mother called the doctor and requested that she be induced, which is what happened. My mother said that she always wondered what my real birthday would have been had she not been induced. Now here is where the pondering comes in...

When a baby is induced before its time, does that have an impact on the baby? I arranged to have my son induced because my doctor was going away on vacation for 2 weeks during my due date. I only wanted him to deliver my son. It was the most painful and traumatic labor ever. I knew that day, after the inducement medication kicked in, that I should have waited until he was ready to come. Every day since, I can't help but wonder if things would have been different had I waited. Did inducement have an impact on him? I look at my brother Jim's personality. He is confident, antsy and ready to leave 5 minutes after arriving anywhere. I look at my personality. I'm a late bloomer. I never want to do anything uncomfortable until I'm good and ready or finally forced to act. My right side of my body is also completely different starting with a webbed toe and an irregular earlobe. I also grew differently and had an intensive spinal surgery when I was 16. On a deeper level, I wonder if there is a specific plan for each soul in the birthing process and what happens if that plan is unnaturally interrupted. Hmmm.... See what I mean about pondering useless crap? I asked Breen about this last night and he said that I certainly had an interesting angle but what good would it do now even if any of my theories were true? My mother can't go back and re-birth me just as I can't go back and re-birth my son.

On a lighter note, here are some lovely things that I've experienced over the past few days.

I'm enjoying sketching and making food notes in my new food diary:

I've been enjoying lush, orange produce:

and comfort foods like Noodles Romanoff and grilled Portabello mushrooms and avocado sandwiches:

I didn't find a bookcase yesterday but I did find an amazing sterling silver ring for $6 and a big sparkling belt buckle for $5. I was thrilled this morning to discover that the belt I bought in Oregon a few years back at a cowboy shop has a removable buckle. Now I can change them up!

Don't forget to visit my food blog for a chance to win a vintage sugar sack apron :)) Happy Friday!

Housewifen' ain't easy....

2009-09-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

I seriously have no idea how the 50's housewife did it. No clue at all. They seemed to effortlessly clean the house, do the laundry, grocery shop, play bridge cook the pot roast and still manage to greet their husbands at the end of the day with a drink in one hand and pipe and slippers in another wearing a perfectly cheery linen dress and starched apron. Hell, on a good day I greet Breen at the door with my hair disheveled still wearing my yoga pants and coffee stained tank top that I had on when he left the house 10 hours prior. Imagine a bad one. I'm certain those housewives reached for "mother's little helper" but mine comes in the form of my mother. Seriously. I called her yesterday and asked her to come over and help me get the kids rooms organized. Desperate times call for desperate measures. When I'm in over my head, I call her. That woman is a freaking powerhouse AND she actually enjoys it. Imagine that. At one point, I tried to tempt her with a slice of my peanut butter pie but she remained steadfast in her cleaning mission and gave me a look that said "Get your ass back on task!". Now THAT'S dedication!

I vacuumed stairs. I hauled furniture around. We hauled out 5 huge trash bags of old clothing. I was on intimate terms with dust bunnies. Even though we made a hell of a lot of progress, the house is still in disarray. Yes, housewifen' ain't easy.....but I sure do love my mother!

Wishcasting Wednesday: What do you wish to begin?

2009-09-02T04:57:00.000-07:00

Oh my, what a prompt! I'm afraid that there are way too many things that I've begun and left half finished. The process of beginning something is not difficult for me; it's the completion that's often a challenge.

But on a much deeper level, this past year has marked the beginning of so many things. In March, I got married to the most amazing, loving man; my soul mate, my true North. I am constantly in awe of the life I share with him. It was a beginning for me that has made every moment of hardship and challenge worth it so that we could step out in to the universe and find each other. In June, I lost my job of nearly 7 years. I was in desperate need of that ending. Even though I struggle with my path on the job search, I know that the door to my old job shut so that I could experience a new beginning. And it WILL come. This past year also found me dealing with my children in new and challenging ways. My son turned 13 and my daughter became an alien right before my eyes. With all of this in mind, I'd like to begin the following:

1. I'd like to begin looking at my job search in a new way. I'd like to really embrace the process and stop limiting my search based on the ways I used to see myself. I am dynamic, intelligent, caring and creative. I want to focus in on my best qualities.

2. I'd like to begin helping my son be the best he can be. Now that he's a teenager with Asperger's, the need to guide him is becoming even more important. He's so smart and capable and independent. I'd like to help him prepare for the "real world".

3. I'd like to begin to find ways to communicate better with my daughter. She's a lot like her father and that's not a good thing. I'd like to begin using better words with her and being more patient; I've said some damaging things that I'm not proud of. I'd like to begin taking the high road instead of spewing out hurtful words when she's made me hurt and angry. I'm the adult and she's the child and the things I say now can affect her for a long time to come.

4. I'd like to begin a search for a spiritual home. This has been really important to me for a long time. Yet, week after week, I never find myself committed to visiting churches.

5. I'd like to begin the process of being more proactive with the court system regarding my ex. He's gotten away with quite a bit and I haven't challenged him at all (I'm a people pleaser afterall). It no longer matters to me if we're "friends"; this is about the business of raising the kids. Period.

6. I'd like to begin volunteering at the Children's Hospital. This is something I've wanted to do for years. While I'm working on my job hunt, I'd also like to be giving something of myself in this way. One day. Two days per week. It really doesn't matter. I just want to serve others.

7. Finally, I'd like to begin pursuing some business ideas for certain areas of my art. I've been dragging my feet forever. My ideas could turn in to a new path.

PS: Don't forget to visit my meatless blog over here for a chance to win a funky vintage apron!

I am not a tart.....

2009-09-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

If my cooking were graded, I got an F in baking last night. Somehow, I've hit a bad streak with baking lately. Yesterday, I made an Alsatian Tart with Blueberry Custard. All day I was completely stoked to make it. PLUS, I was set to feature it as my first "A" dish in my alphabetical cooking over at my food blog. It turned out HORRIBLE and INEDIBLE. Not even worthy of a photo. It was literally tossed in the garbage. Even Breen wouldn't eat it and he loves sweets! I'm noticing that several of the dessert recipes/sweet recipes that I've tried from various vegetarian cookbooks turn out tasting like cardboard. I see the link now: the vegetarian cookbooks push the "healthy" version of desserts, which basically translates in to "tasteless crap on a plate". When I want something sweet, I want 5 pounds of butter and 3 cups of white sugar. I'm worth that kind of indulgence from time to time. Screw the whole wheat, sour cream and applesauce substitutes! I think I've come to the following conclusions:

1. I like cooking over baking. The process of baking is too precise and rigid.
2. I won't be looking for dessert recipes in vegetarian cookbooks any more.

Furthermore, without getting too Freudian based here, I've been listening to some CDs from Martha Beck. She explains how we all have 2 sides of ourselves: our essential self and our social self. Unless the two sides match up, we can't find true fulfillment. Our essential part is who we are on the inside; our genetic blueprint if you will. Our social self is influenced by external factors: people, places, things. How does any of this tie in to my cooking you ask? Well, funny you should ask. See, my true essential self is basic, non-fancy and down-to-earth. My essential self is mashed potatoes, casseroles and comfort food. My social self looks at other food blogs tauting fancy complicated dishes with ingredients that can't even be found in at least 8 states. My social self tells me that's what people are impressed with, fancy dishes with big names. My social cooking is not who I am at all. No wonder I have food disasters when I ignore my essential cook that really wants to turn out gooey chocolate chip cookies with a huge glass of cold milk. Lesson learned: listen to the authentic voice of my essential self and my cooking will grow to awesome new heights. As a matter of fact, if I listen to my authentic essential voice, ALL areas of my life with grow to awesome new heights.

Monday morning gratitude

2009-08-31T05:18:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a mixed bag. We had planned to go camping but the weather called for nothing but rain so we postponed for another weekend. Breen took several days off so we had a nice long weekend. But it also meant that we had to deal with my daughter and her difficult behavior. It's tiring to say the least. Anger is an interesting thing. I've always considered myself to be laid back and easy going. Still, as compassionate and calm and loving as we try to be, I believe that anger is in all of us; it's just a matter of reaching some kind of breaking point. I reached mine yesterday. I said some horrible things to my daughter and once I opened my mouth, it was like a dam broke and I couldn't put my finger in the hole to stop the flood of anger. I'm not proud of myself but she did manage to push every button inside of me. I'm trying to regroup today. I'm trying to come up with a strategy to keep my damn mouth shut. I can barely stand to look at her anymore, let alone keep my words inside when she starts up. It may take several rolls of duct tape...on myself. Yet through it all, I am grateful for so many things.

A full refrigerator with lots of delicious produce
A break in the weather...finally!
My husband
My health
My comfortable home
My love and passion for writing

I'm also excited because tomorrow marks a new face lift for my meatless blog. I'll be cooking my way alphabetically through some tasty dishes and offering an apron giveaway. The first "A" dish is something sweet and yummy.....

Sunday

2009-08-30T05:25:00.000-07:00

I sure am glad we canceled our camping trip; it's been raining all weekend. Sleeping in a tent in the mud is simply no fun. But I'm recalling a memory of all the camping we did as a kid. My parents had one of those Nimrod pop-up tent campers and we went every summer. I used to love laying in the camper listening to the rain drops fall on the canvas. There's just something about sleeping outside that makes me feel alive. Today, I had hoped to get my kayak in the water while Breen does a 3 hour ride. I've hardly been out on the water at all this summer and I miss it.

Yesterday, I did manage to get myself to The Produce Junction. I love that place. I get loads of fresh fruit and veggies for around $20. It all comes in bulk so you have to be sure to use it within a few days. Plus, it's in a section of the city where it's great for "people watching" while you're standing in line. Sometimes I'm not sure what's more colorful: the produce or the customers. I was thrilled to score a huge bouqet of 25 roses for $4.50. Now, I've got 2 vases brimming over with flowers that will ut a smile on my face all week.

Saturday sketching

2009-08-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

"Life Is like a Box of Chocolates... You Never Know What You're Gonna Get!".....Mrs. Gump

You never know what you're going to get when you come here for a visit. Sometimes it's art or food or dragons or VW Mini Buses. But today, it's all about tomatoes and sketching. Trust me, even though I have a college degree in Fine Art, my drawing skills suck monkey butt in the worst way! It's hard to believe that I have not attempted to strengthen my skills in this area in all the 20 plus years that I graduated. What can I say? I'm a late bloomer! Yesterday, I put together a new journal for my personal use. I'm almost done with a smaller lined journal and it was time to think about what I wanted to write in next. The problem with a standard lined journal is that my sharpee markers bleed through to the other side. Not so with the heavy unlined paper in my new Scrabble journal. I can use glue and paint and markers in this one and the page holds up beautifully. Since I've been eating meatless, I am passionate about fruits and veggies and healthy things. Here is my first attempt to sketch some juicy, lush tomatoes in my new journal.

All morning, I've been thinking about fresh tomato sauce, homemade cream of tomato soup and sandwiches on whole grain bread with slabs of heirloom tomatoes, fresh basil and mozzarella cheese. When we buy our house, too hell with the flowers, I'm getting right on a vegetable garden.

Here is the new journal. I love the nice big blank pages and the quirkiness of my vintage game board for a cover:

And now, I'm off to get my day started. Perhaps I'll go to the Farmer's Market with my camera for some shots of fresh produce that I can use to help me do some more sketching. Happy Saturday!

Slaying the dragons

2009-08-28T04:25:00.000-07:00

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Lately, one of the dragons in my life has been my daughter. Most days, I swear she'd like to knock me clear across 2 zip codes with her fire. I know she's changing and part of it is her age. But I also know, she is complex with her thoughts and not quick to share a single one. She's developed this "hard ass" exterior with an extreme aversion to anything "girlie" or feminine and I wonder sometimes how long, if at all, I'll see that soft, loving side emerge again. I think she's been carrying around a whole stew of mixed emotions for some time now: processing her parent's divorce, dealing with her brother and generally trying to figure out where she fits in the world. We have a new family dynamic now plus I've been spending a lot of time lately helping my son get ready for school. Nobody said being 10 these days was a picnic.

Last night, we had a breakthrough. I was lying in bed when I heard a knock on the bedroom door. She had apparently heard some noises in the house and was scared. She wanted to bring her pillows and blankets and sleep on the floor next to me. For the first time in a long time, I saw the sweet little princess again. Breen and I opted not to have her sleep with us but I did offer to go to her room and stay with her for a little while. I ended up staying for 2 hours. We laughed and talked like old times. Looking back on this, I don't think it was noises at all. I think she was really trying to say, "I'd like to let my big wall down for a little while and be a little girl again." Even in myself, I see the hard ass behaviour sometimes. When I feel hurt or scared, I become the dragon. We all need to feel loved and cared about and sometimes we need that one-on-one attention. Even if I don't have another moment like last night for another 5 years, I'm going to treasure it for a long time to come.

What's engraved on your soul?

2009-08-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto. I love her writing so much. There are obviously so many things being woven in to the story but one important thing is the main character's love of kitchens. Beyond just the preparation of food, she finds peace and warmth in kitchens. Each time she goes in to the kitchen, she finds small pieces of herself. then, I found this passage in the book:

"Why do I love kitchens so much? It's strange. Perhaps because to me a kitchen represents some distant longing engraved on my soul."

WHAM! It hit me hard as I remembered an experience I had this past Sunday. Breen and I went to the movies. As we walked to the theatre, we passed an old vintage sky blue VW mini bus in the parking lot. I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart was filled with the most intense aching and longing to get in that van and just drive and drive and drive. Mind you, not just ANY car would evoke this feeling. A vintage VW mini bus is my ultimate fantasy. It fits my personality to a tee. I imagine owning one and having it custom painted with a luggage rack installed on top and awesome white walled tires. And curtains hanging in the little windows...made by me of course! The real matter at heart here though is this long standing desire to hit the open road and have adventures. My deepest, truest self needs to know the vast world out there; not just the same old area I have lived in for my whole life. I've never lived anywhere more than 45 minutes away from where I grew up. I long to see other landscapes and meet quirky, colorful people. I long to come across little diners and local restaurants. New snapshots with my camera. Excavating new pieces of myself as the miles tick along. I want to be clear that this is NOT a feeling of "running away". Not at all. I love my life with my magnificent husband and kids. It's just that I've had this longing engraved on my soul for so long now that it's becoming hard to ignore. I need to find a way to have some little adventurous road trips....

What is it that's engraved on YOUR soul?

Wishcasting Wednesday: What do you wish to acknowledge yourself for?

2009-08-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

What a great wishcasting prompt today! Lately, I've been "having some moments" with myself. I've always tended to beat myself up for my own perceived shortcomings and flaws. Frankly, it takes so much energy to behave that way and I am tired. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that I KNOW deep down inside, where the true essence of me lives, there is an amazing woman beyond the ordinary. She wants to come out and stay and shine like a big full moon all the time. Today, I wish to acknowledge myself for:

Being a good mother and realizing that it hasn't been easy over the years raising them in some of the situations I found myself in BUT...I've always been here for them. Always.

Being a creative DIVA

Being a loving, loyal and supportive wife

Being smarter than I give myself credit for

Being loving, kind and compassionate

Being proactive about self-improvement when I see something I'd like to change

Tuesday

2009-08-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm feeling a little swamped with my own feelings. I've been home all summer. During this time, I've been looking for work but admittedly I need to really step up the search. I've been really enjoying this time home. It's the first time in 13 years that I've been around for and with the kids. As much as I've enjoyed this break from working, I also desire to get back to some sort of work routine. Even the kids are ready to get back to a routine. Breen and I have goals and me being home does not serve us well if we actually want to achieve some of these goals. I love my creativity but I don't have a vision of it actually generating income any time soon. Etsy is one small avenue to sell, but even that is slow, slow, slow! Breen asked me this morning how my job search is going. It's the first time he's asked me in a long time. He is so loving and supportive but I know it weighs on his mind even when he doesn't ask. It made me realize that I need to get my ass in gear in such a bigger way. I owe it to him, myself and our marriage to step up to the plate. I never want to take any of my blessings for granted. Every day is a gift and I think at the end of each one, we have to ask ourselves what, if anything, we contributed or achieved.

I've finished a custom order apron for an artist who is opening her own studio/store front. I definitely had fun with this one!

Monday review

2009-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's a gorgeous, perfect summer day today in the mid 80's with very little humidity. Finally a nice little break from the horrendous heat wave.

This past weekend we went to my brother's 50th birthday party. I know what you're thinking...it's amazing that such a young thing as myself has that old of a sibling lurking in the family tree, right? HA HA....seriously though, I really adore my brother. He's one of the funniest people I've ever known. We are 5 years apart. When I was growing up, I didn't have much in common with him but over the years we have developed such a great relationship.

Here's the birthday boy (holding court, as usual....he is a natural born salesman...wish I had that in me!)

This is my other brother (he's 2 years older than me):

My parents:

Husband extraordinaire:

This is a family tradition now. At family gatherings, my sister-in-law always gives me the finger when I take her picture. I even have one of her flipping me off at my wedding. Seriously, it's funny!

My niece's little girl can make you work for one of her charming giggles. But for Breen, it's no problem. Kids love him. I think he is going to be such a wonderful grandfather one day...but not TOO soon :)

So, what else is new around here?

1. I've finished a custom order apron
2. I've started Slaughterhouse Five by Vonnegut
3. I'm thinking up something good to make for dinner

Go over here to my food blog to get the 411 on this dish:

Saturday morning and a few Japanese things

2009-08-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow, did we have some thunder and lightning last night! It's 9:15am and I'm loving my Saturday morning. It's still raining out and that makes it perfect for lounging around in my husband's dress shirt, sipping coffee, reading and sewing. I'm savoring all of this because by lunch time, we will be driving in the car for a few hours. Let me recap the morning:

Lounging around in Breen's shirt sipping coffee:

This morning I made two new cloth journal covers with some fabric I found yesterday. I'm absolutely IN LOVE with this fabric. The gorgeous lantern blossoms evoke the feeling of Japan for me. I still need to add some ties, but they're almost ready for my Etsy shop! Go on over here for a browse around The Painted House.

And speaking of Japan, yesterday I found these adorable sandals at the local Japanese store. This is the best $10 I've spent since San Diego!

I'm reading Goodbye Tsugumi by Banana Yoshimoto, a Japanese writer. Last night I came across a passage that literally floored me. I'm going to share it with you now:

Each one of us continues to carry the heart of each self we've ever been, at every stage along the way, and a chaos of everything good and rotten. And we have to carry this weight all alone, through each day that we live. We try to be as nice as we can to the people we love, but we alone support the weight of ourselves.

Here's the dinner Max made last night. He's an awesome cook and I try to encourage him to keep at it. Not only is preparing food a blissful experience, it opens one to the possibilities of trying all sorts of new things. I'm still committed to eating meatless and proud of myself for sticking to it. Everyone here raves about "Max's chicken". I'm sure I'm missing out on one hell of a culinary treat.

book worm and sarongs

2009-08-21T05:39:00.000-07:00

Here's one sentence to describe me today: I am a book toting, sarong wearing slightly conventional woman. It's true. I'm back in to a reading phase and that means one thing; one book will not do. When I go to the library, they've got a little wagon reserved just for me to carry out all of my books :)) Here's a selected library review for you:

1. Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto (If you don't know Banana, get yourself to the library NOW.)
2. Goodbye Tsugumi by Banana Yoshimoto
3. Slaughter House Five by Kurt Vonnegut (No need for introduction here)
4. Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut

I've also got books on CD and a big pile of books I own lined up.

I've owned sarongs in the past but I lost them in my last move. I bought 3 in San Diego and I have to say that this is a required summer garment for me. Incredibly versatile and perfect for this nasty heat wave. Make it a skirt or a dress...that's a lot of bang for the buck. In San Diego, I sat next to a woman at the beach who put elastic on hers and sewed it up. It made a fantastic strapless dress without the hassle of having to tie it up.

Today, I'm off to the Farmer's Market with my camera and my eye on some fresh produce. We've got a busy weekend ahead. It's my brother's 50th birthday and we are off to Maryland to toast the old geezer :)))) Thank God I'm still the baby of the family.

Art Sale (a new spin on the Yard Sale)

2009-08-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

So, I've had this creative flash for a few months now: I'd like to have an Art Sale at my house within the next 2 months. Not only does it give me some time to work up a decent inventory, it also would be nice to have it during the cooler weather. If it caught on, I could have more and eventually, I could invite other local artists to participate. I think we all would love to sell directly. I can see clearly in my mind's eye:

Food and drink out on the front porch
A table with my jewelry and cake stands
Collage prints
Journals in baskets
Aprons hanging all around

If people have yard sales, why not an art sale? It would certainly be nice to get my name out there locally. Still, people are funny about selling so I'll be checking with the township to make sure it's OK before I start plastering my fliers all over town.

Here are some necklaces that I'll be putting on my Etsy Shop. The middle one is my grandfather and that one will not be for sale. BUT...I will use it as an example of custom work. Every time I wear him, I get a zillion compliments. I love having him near my heart :)

Wishcasting Wednesday: Who is the "you" that you wish to be?

2009-08-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

This week's prompt was actually challenging for me. There was a time in my life when I wished I could be anyone but me. I always had amazing gifts and talents inside but I just couldn't see them. Then one day, through life's ups and downs,those gifts and talents were brought forth slowly one by one. I felt like a brand new shiny penny. Today, my life is blessed and so different than what I could have possibly imagined. I am:

A devoted wife
A loving mother
Compassionate
Interesting
A creative force to be reckoned with
Faithful
Sensual
Spiritual
44 years YOUNG
Playful

My greatest challenge with myself in this moment is trying to find out what my life's purpose is from a work standpoint. On the hardest days, I forget about my gifts and uniqueness and I behave like a wounded animal instead of the divine being that I know I am. I lose my footing on my path with God. My greatest wish for myself is to stay rooted in my faith that my perfect path is already unfolding. I wish for more patience as I walk it every day. I wish to honor every loving attribute about myself even when I find myself paddling upstream in a boat called "self-pity".

Aprons for Sale!

2009-08-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

I finally managed to get 11 out of 17 aprons on my Etsy store. Go on over here to take a look. It was a learning lesson in organization because my apron pictures were divided between two computers; hence, it took me twice as long to get them on the shop. I'll be adding lots more items...stay tuned!

We are in the middle of another heat wave today. It's the kind of heat that makes you want to crawl in to a walk-in refrigerator and stay there until Fall. Tomorrow, I'm taking the kids to a water park. That should make all of us happy since we've been sitting around the house staring at each other lately. Only 2 more weeks until school starts again and I am looking forward to it. Next summer, I'm planning a family vacation mid-August. I really miss not going to the lake in New Hampshire this summer but I wouldn't trade my time in San Diego with Breen for all the rice in China.

Here's a cloth journal cover that I made today. I'll be adding a section on Etsy for these. What do you think?

Friday

2009-08-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

Hot husband at La Jolla Cove. I've never seen him more relaxed. He loves the beach so much.

Another favorite pic from San Diego. Wish we were still there lying on the beach together.

This week has really gone quickly! I've been busy doing a little bit of everything: cooking, reading, job searching, creating and running around with the kids. I'm in one of those reading phases again. In the beginning of the week, I went to the library and came back with 5 books. I've read 2 already and I'm working on the rest of the stack. Next up is Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe. Wish me luck on that classic! I'm proud of myself this week. I've managed to get back on track with my meatless eating. As long as I take it one day at a time, it's not so overwhelming. I ate so much meat in San Diego. It's amazing how one tumble from grace can lead to the old patterns so quickly. When we were flying home, I thought about all the half finished ideas and projects that fill my life. I'm so very tired of incomplete things. I thought to myself, "what if I pick just one of those ideas and stick with it?". Eating meatless was at the top of my list. Maybe because it's one of the most challenging for me. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to stay meatless. One of the pivotal moments for me was in San Diego. We were in our hotel room on the last night munching on some curried chicken salad while we packed. Quite a few bites had some cartilage and I was grossed out by it. I remember thinking two things:

1. This is ridiculous. Why am I eating this if it grosses me out?

2. I bet this would be so delicious made with tofu instead of chicken.

And so, I take my seat back on the vegetable truck. I hope for good this time. Go over to the meatless blog. I've written a fun post today that I think you'll enjoy. Happy Friday!!

San Diego treasures

2009-08-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I always got a thrill at the small, sentimental gifts. I still don't care for expensive material things. Here are a few of my favorite treasures from San Diego:

On the way to the beach one day, we drove past a huge beach thrift store with colorful Hawaiian print shirts for men in the window. We went in and I found this dress for $9. It was brand new and has become one of my favorite little dresses. I've already visually determined that there are only 5 pieces required to make this dress.....hello pattern making :))

One day while Breen was doing an open water swim out in the ocean, I sat at the edge of the water and picked handfuls of colorful sea glass. I found the piece of rope netting on the sidewalk while we were returning our snorkel equipment at the kayak shop.

One of the colorful sarongs I purchased:

A plastic child's version of a VW Van for $4.99 purchased in Pacific Beach (I discovered the adorable blue surfboard that clips on top of the van is missing in action....I will find it in this house!)

A beautiful sunset viewed at Mt. Solodad (it overlooks all of San Diego):

Black's Beach.....good times, good times.... :)))))

La Jolla Cove:

One night, while strolling on the beach, we spotted a lifeguard stand with my lucky number 52 (Ok, so it's in reverse...but it still has the combination of my number):

What else is new around here? Let's see....
If you want to have a little fun, go over here to my food blog and check out my first attempt at a video blog on how to make kale chips. Max took the video and we'd like to keep making more.

Here's a new half apron. Kind of reminds me of the Mod Squad...I love it! And YES, a whole crop of aprons will be on my Etsy store by the end of the week...that's a promise!!

Wishcasting Wednesday...What door do you wish to open?

2009-08-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

Today's wishcasting prompt really resonated with me. I'm finding myself in a tiny slump right now. I've been out of work since June and not feeling very good about it. I've been looking and have even had a lead or two but the market is slow and I'm not seeing a whole lot that excites me. I'm feeling a bit inadequate and very unworthy of the blessings that have come my way. I feel like I'm letting my husband down with each passing day that I still remain home. I'm sure the kids don't mind; it's summer after all and they're glad to have me around. But I see the time passing by quickly and I'm scared about the uncertainty of it all. More than anything now, my wish is to have the door opened that unfolds the next place I'm meant to be on this working path. Doors are a funny thing. How many times have you heard someone say, "When one door closes, another one opens."? There have been many doors that closed in my life and, in time, new doors always opened. Sometimes, just when I thought a new door would never open, some of the best blessings came my way. And so it is now that I wish for a new door to open which will lead me ultimately to a very satisfying, creative and rewarding new way of earning income.

Heat

2009-08-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

It's Monday and I'm really trying to get myself back in to the routine of things. It's so damn hot though (98 degrees, 100% humidity and no central air). I'm quite miserable and I hate feeling this way. Ever since I was pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago, I haven't done well with high heat and humidity. To add to this, two more things:

1. we ate like crazy on vacation and I feel heavier than ever. Today especially, I feel like a fat slug. I can't even venture to the gym in this heat wave.

2. Breen and I picked up chest colds since we've been home. SO....I feel feverish on top of the 98 degree heat....lovely.

Today, I took the kids over to my ex in law's house to swim, which is where I also lived for over 10 years in a carriage house on the property (even after my ex and I had divorced). Unfortunately, I did not move out of there on good terms with them. I knew as soon as I pulled up that I didn't feel good being there. Even though they were not home, the energy was horrible and I couldn't wait to leave. On the way home, I stopped at the store to get a shower liner. I ran in to my old neighbor that lived next door to my ex in-laws. I had not seen her in a few years. I had flashbacks of my old life and the whole drive home, I realized how ready I am to move on to wherever it is that we are supposed to live next. I'm ready to make new directions for myself. I'm ready to go with my husband to wherever we are lead to. I used to hate change; now I am welcoming it.

Back from the Honeymoon

2009-08-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

It feels like I've been away from here forever. Breen and I just spent the last week in San Diego for our honeymoon. We stayed in La Jolla. Lots of sun, beach and great food. Breen was able to do some awesome open water swims in La Jolla Cove while I sat at the water's edge and found sea glass. We kayaked and snorkeled out in the ocean and hit Black's Beach twice. Black's Beach might be the only nude beach in California. To get there, you've got to walk to the bottom of a very tall cliff. Of course once you get to the bottom, you have to walk back up the same very tall cliff. It was so worth the hike. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist in my own home so it was nice to do that in public without anyone raising an eyebrow. We would seriously love to live out in La Jolla but it seems it may have to wait since houses in the beach area are upwards of $1.6 million. For now, we'll just have to visit when we get the chance. I love California. At least in San Diego, it was a melting pot of people, beautiful weather and gorgeous sunsets. Coming back to the east coast felt like a let down....but we had to get back to our lives here at some point in time.

So now we are back to the grind, as they say. I'll be starting back on my job search tomorrow, catching up on laundry and spending the next few weeks with the kids until school starts up again. It is amazing how fast the summer flies.

Polka Dots

2009-07-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday and I'm really getting my list of "Things to bring on vacation" made. This past weekend, I bought a set of double-sided rubber stamps in letters and numbers. I've been having fun using them in my journal all week:

I've been having so much fun, in fact, that I want to bring my stamps and a few paints on our trip. But what do you do when the stamps are cut and they no longer fit in the ugly hard plastic box they came packaged in?

Well, I had a wonderful creative solution. I pulled out a white and blue polka dot crib sheet that I recently purchased for my fabric stash box for $1.00 at the thrift store. I whipped up two adorable and funky drawstring pouches for the stamps. One for the letters and one for the numbers and miscellaneous things like: @, #, $, &, ".
The best part: it took me less than 10 minutes to make them. The end result makes packing them a dream. What do you think?

Wishcasting Wednesday and my new pen pal

2009-07-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

This week's Wishcasting prompt is What do you wish to remember? My head is like a huge filing cabinet overstuffed with scenes of my life; so many different memories and experiences. Here is just a small sampling of the things I wish to remember:

1. I wish to remember every hard stone that got lodged in my shoes during this journey of mine. Without those stones, I wouldn't be where I am today.

2. I wish to always remember the births of my children.

3. I wish to always remember the first date I had with Breen.

4. I wish to always remember every moment of our wedding.

5. I wish to always remember the multitude of blessings I have been given.

6. I wish to always remember that there are so many amazing people to connect with on this planet.

7. I wish to always remember that I've been given a chance at a whole new life and to never waste a single minute of it.

I can't believe I have been so late in mentioning my new pen pal, Erika. A few months ago, I got involved with a pen pal project here in the blogging community. I love the art of letter writing and I miss those days of getting something other than bills and junk mail from the mailman. I love the deeper personal connections that we can make. Erika and I have exchanged packages. She sent me the most awesome box filled with good things: candy, hot chocolate, pictures and a crocheted turtle AND A HANDWRITTEN LETTER :))It was such a treat. Thank you Erika!

Here's a new necklace I made yesterday:

Here's Breen crossing the finish line on Sunday:

Tuesday and lots of pictures

2009-07-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

My computer has been out of commission for a while but Breen has brought it back to life! Still hot here but I'm trying not to complain too loudly. One of the reasons I love living in this part of the country is because I get to experience all four seasons. This week is pretty much about getting ready for our honeymoon. Everyone is going somewhere: Max is going to Tennessee, Kendall is going to Maryland and we are headed to the west coast. A few weekends ago, just before the computer crashed, we took a family day to the beach. Here are some highlights:

Monday morning

2009-07-27T05:08:00.000-07:00

It rained hard here last night. I love a good thunder and lightening storm. We've been really fortunate to this point with the weather. It's been a fairly mild summer...until now. August approaches in a few days and with it, muggy days and hot nights for sleeping. We've got a window unit in our bedroom but I just can't get comfortable. Too cold, my nose is running, the sound is loud, etc. This ties in nicely with a book I'm reading by Donald Miller called Through Painted Deserts: light, God and Beauty on the open road. It's a true story about Donald and his friend Paul who trade the comforts of Big City life in Texas for a road trip to Oregon in a dilapidated old VW Van to find out about themselves. In it he says:

In all our technology, we have lost touch with the earth, our heaters and air conditioners robbing us of the drama of our seasons, our cars keeping our feet from pacing the land, our concrete and our shoes and our carpet delivering us from the feel of unprocessed earth. We live on top of the world and not in it.

And I can't help but be smacked in the face with this truth. We are a society that is so used to finding ways to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Cold? Turn up the heat. Hot? Turn on the AC. Then there is the whole issue of feeling like everything has to be bigger, better and upgraded. What's wrong with being uncomfortable? Some of our greatest learning lessons are right there begging to be dealt with but we don't want the discomfort. So we run away from the discomfort and keep being presented with the same lessons over and over for years and years until the dysfunction becomes a woven fabric of our lives. What's so fantastic about stock piling our life with bigger and better? If I have a huge home with a big flat screen TV does it make me happier? If anything, it just provides more space for my kids to go off and isolate and more joy for the credit card companies that are feeding off of our inability to say NO to more possessions.

I've been home for a few weeks now. This time has been really valuable for me. I'm finding myself wanting to step out of my comfort zone more and more. I've spent a lot of years running from the discomfort; it's time to get down to the real stuff that my life is made of. There is so much beauty, so much love and so much possibility.

A brief introduction to Alice....

2009-07-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Now that Helen is nearly done, it's time to introduce you to Alice. Alice (as in Alice in Wonderland) used to be a neglected, unattractive over sized ottoman frame. I've had the ottoman for ages. In fact, she almost got thrown in the trash when I moved from my old house. But something told me to drag her along with me. She was nameless until yesterday when Breen came home from work, took one look and declared that he was seeing Alice in Wonderland. This is one way ideas are born. I've said it before and I'll say it 1000 times again: my husband brings so much inspiration and color to my life; he's the indescribably beautiful crayon that was always missing from my box of Crayola Crayons.

So this morning, I started to research Alice in Wonderland lines and wacky colors/patterns. I'm envisioning a wild ottoman with Alice quotes all over it. The seat will most likely be hand painted canvas with strips of black and white fabric sewn on in strategic places. I bought 3/4 yard of the harlequin fabric for Helen's seat and since I hate to waste things, I'm using what's left on Alice. I'm sure she won't mind....

Be patient with my photos please. Since my computer was wiped out by a virus, I have no post processing software. It's kind of like going out of the house without a trace of make-up and hoping that you don't run in to an old friend in the produce aisle!

Here's Helen:

Here's the beginning of Alice:

Wishcasting Wednesday...what do you wish to tell the world?

2009-07-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've abandoned my blog lately...it's only been a few days. On Monday, I made the unfortunate mistake of clicking on a link that I thought was sent by my brother. It wiped out my computer and Breen is in the process of reinstalling my programs. For now, I'm using a laptop but I'm still disgusted that there are cyber losers out there that spread viruses just to be mean. Now, I'm skeptical of every e-mail that comes my way and find myself deleting so much without giving it a second thought. The world is an interesting place. We have so much going on out there that people have become skeptical of each other. Just on my own street, I hear people fighting with each other and watch neighbors get out of their cars and walk straight to the front door without so much as a nod.

I wish the world knew that strength is found in numbers; that's how community is built. Community is built on the willingness for people to extend kindness to each other; not by closing the front door at the end of the day and living inside of your head.

I wish the world could see that a little friendliness and a smile go much further than fighting and isolation.

I wish the world could see that we are all passengers on this big bus called the Universe. Get your ticket, climb on board and extend some kindness to the other passengers.

I wish the world could know that each and every person on the planet could have what they desired...if we only knew how to ask for it and have faith that it is there for us.

I wish the world knew that fighting and screaming with each other only drowns out the quiet places in our hearts that we need to hear.

Contemplation

2009-07-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

Some mornings find me still lounging in my husband's boxers sipping coffee long after he's left for work and the dishes are still piled up and the laundry still needs to be switched up and the resumes need to be send out. I contemplate:

The sense of time
The hours and how they can be spent
Destiny
Faith
The feel of a new writing pen
Conversations (or lack of) with my children just an hour before
New ideas
Old patterns
Renting a bulldozer to create new paths

And these hands.....

They contemplate

Why the same hands that write down a million ideas are the same hands that don't always make the ideas come to life

The feel of paint on them

The lines of my husband's body

The odd combination of my mother's big knuckles and my paternal grandmother's slender fingers and how genetics and generations really do shape our patterns

The next word to be written

The next food ingredient to be felt

And these feet....

They contemplate

The many miles they have traveled

The places they want to go

The dance steps they want to dance

The perfect inked circle on my left ankle that constantly serves to remind me to walk a life in balance

The feel of my daughter's feet touching mine under the Dining Room table. Even when we are feeling hurt and can't find the words, we find the tiniest ways to communicate.

Walking barefoot and feeling the earth and sand and pavement under my feet

How, so many years ago, the bottom of my foot was gashed open from a heavy glass that was thrown at me by an abusive boyfriend. It was a long journey over the years but I came to an absolute understanding that I would never be treated badly by anyone ever again. I have a real problem to this day when I see women being treated (and accepting) this kind of behavior from men. Take your feet, stand up tall and walk down a different road.

Behavior

2009-07-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

This has been one of those weeks. Tuesday was not one of my finest days. I sort of hit the wall emotionally: second guessing myself, frustrated with being unemployed, feeling crappy about me. It doesn't happen all that much but when it does, the whole house is miserable. I'm not mad at anybody; I'm mad at myself. It takes a hell of a lot of energy to be miserable, doesn't it? We create the feelings within ourselves. If we have the power to choose, why not try to be neutral or positive.

Lately, my daughter is miserable 24/7. I don't think she hates us, I just think she is miserable with herself and creating her own environment. A lot is changing for her. For starters, I'm not the marshmallow anymore that she's had for a mother for so long. I'm finding my backbone and feeling so much better about myself for doing so. I was tired of living the way I did with the kids for all those years. They were getting away with murder while I was busy trying to be their friend. When you are a single parent, the whole dynamic of your mother/child relationship is different than when there are two parents in the house. When you once again have a partner, the dynamics change once again. I'm saying no much more frequently and she doesn't like it. I'm working as a partnership with my husband raising our family. First and foremost, being a parent is the most important thing. When you let things slide because you're trying to please them and be their friend, they will follow that lead and walk on you like a doormat. She can continue to treat us badly but I'm not backing down. I like this new me as a parent and trust me, there is still more to be accomplished but Rome wasn't built in a day. Of course she loves being with her dad because he only sees her for a few hours per week. In those hours, he plans fun things and rarely ever says no to her. He is her friend. He is not doing the day to day parent things. I get it. Again, I'm not backing down. When I give in to her, I feel like shit. When kids feel like they are on equal footing with you and lack respect and discipline, you need to change directions. I'm going to be selfish in her eyes because I am setting my priorities on nurturing my faith, nurturing myself and nurturing my marriage. When all of those things are strong and healthy, I am a better parent, a better worker, a more confident artist.

As frustrating as it is to be home now, it has also been invaluable so far. I'm learning more things about myself daily.

The "David Letterman style" top 10 jobs

2009-07-15T05:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so here I start another day of job searching. If I don't laugh at the absurdity of it all, I'll cry enough tears to flood my entire house. Here I present to you the top 10 jobs listed on Career Builder this morning:

10. KFC Team Member/Supervisor (this translates to free buckets of extra crispy chicken and an attractive hair net)

9. Truck Driver for the US Army (I automatically disqualify for this because they only accept applicants 17-41. Isn't this age discrimination for the old geezers like me??)

8. Six Sigma Master Black Belt (This has a very strong and empowering ring to it. Does this mean I could actually wear my karate uniform as I instruct my team on how to put together a lego project? Hey, it pays $50-60 per hour...definitely a step above KFC Team Member)

7. Weekend RN7P-7A Charge Nurse (just don't tell them I don't actually have a nursing degree, okay?)

6. AFLAC Insurance Sales Rep (Maybe I could actually meet Gilbert Godfreid, the duck voice)

5. Floater, Phlebotomy Service (I can't watch my own blood being drawn. As long as you don't mind that I might pass out on you, I'd be happy to stick you with a needle)

4. Label Inspection Assistant (stimulating, I'm sure....)

3. Dishwasher at a Senior Living Center (now here's a job I know how to do really well AND I'm helping some old folks out at the same time)

2. Pizza Hut Team Member and Delivery Driver (I've got my own car...that should be a plus as long as I get reimbursed for the mileage)

1. Dock Worker-Part time (OH MY GOD! Finally a water based job where I might actually be able to kayak at work!!!)

Those dreaded "3 little words" and the job update

2009-07-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

It finally happened last night. I heard those three little words come out of my daughter's mouth: I HATE YOU! After a mini war at the table, she stomped upstairs. Breen's skin is a little thicker than mine. He's a veteran of this war having served on the front line with his own children who are now grown up. But these are all first moments for me. Is it horrible for me to say that I wouldn't mind if she lived with her dad? She's so much like him that it pains me. Where did my girl go? Why is it so easy for her to be perfectly giddy and pleasant with her father and such a bitch with us at home? How easily they forget what a train wreck my ex is. He's like the most dysfunctional Disney World you could ever visit. Sure, when he opens the gates for the kids to come and play the rides look thrilling and spectacular. But if you ride them long enough and look a little more closely, you realize that the rides are held together with bubblegum and tape. After you finally realize the truth, you find yourself literally running around trying to find the exits out; I guess it's just going to take my kids a long time to understand it all. I just don't find his amusement park funny at all. He lures my daughter in with his promises of dinners out and shopping trips. He's speaking her language and I'm wondering where all the money is coming from to pay for his fatherhood. I certainly see very little of it but I do see shopping bags every time the kids come home.

I was offered a job on Friday to work part-time which would possible turn in to full time. At first, I thought it would be a great option but I really sat and thought about my experience at the company when I went to have a working interview with them last Thursday. I couldn't get past the fact that there seemed to be a real lack of friendly energy there among the workers. The business itself is in a huge laboratory/factory setting with only about 6 employees. It's rather sterile with no windows; I need color and friendly people. My creativity would never come in to play there. It's a very repetitive task type of business where the days are spent filling orders to be shipped out. Day after day; week after week. I couldn't see myself there for 8 hours per day for the long run. The rote quality of a dull job would really slowly kill me. Plus, there seemed to be something "plastic" about the owners and I didn't like how they talked about the other employees. So here I am once again back on the job hunting path. I have worked for a long time at jobs that just paid the bills. I'm glad I didn't settle for the first thing offered to me. I wanted to feel good about this company but I'd be hurting and limiting myself if I wasn't listening to my gut.

Here are some photos from the weekend.

Around town:

My friend Wayne took some apron shots for me:

White Beans and Sage (GO OVER HERE FOR THE RECIPE)

Here's the progress on my Helen chair. WOW!! It's nearly finished. I have to order some black and white harlequin fabric for the seat. This chair has my mind spinning about all the ways that I can translate my art: on furniture, on journals, on altered clothing.......hmmmm

Friday and new ideas

2009-07-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had a "working interview" with a company close by. This was actually my second interview. I was invited back after the first to come in for a few hours so that the owners could see how I fit in to their environment and I could see how I would fit there. Brilliant idea actually. I'm really glad I had the opportunity to go because I truly believe that every new experience brings me more opportunities to expand my knowledge and learn more from others and myself. At the end of the "work day", I sat down with the owners. It turns out that they are interested in perhaps hiring me for part-time work (20 hours per week)and they would like to utilize a specific skill set of mine. I had actually downplayed this skill set for a long time but it hit me yesterday on the way home that I could actually strengthen that skill set even more and perhaps change career directions with it. In addition, I started out on this job searching process with the mindset that I must take a 40 hour week 9-5 job. But then I was reminded of the time when my son was a baby and I was working from home. I needed someone to come to my house for a few hours every day to help with the baby so that I could get work done. I had the mindset that the ideal person would be a certain age and would work specific hours. Each person I interviewed was crazier than the last. Finally, a high school girl answered my ad. She was only able to work after school and through dinner. She didn't meet my age or hours requirement and I almost told her no. But something told me to think outside of my original box and talk to her. Not only did she take the job; the hours she worked turned out to be perfect and she was so smart and likable that she worked for me all the way through her college years in the summers. She was the best person I ever had with my kids. The point here is that I am finally open to the idea of looking outside the box with my job search. What if I worked 20 hours a week with a steady pay and dedicated at least the other 20 hours to creating my own art business? It could be perfect and if this company offers me the right deal, I might just say yes. Who knows where all of this could lead.......

In the meantime, it's Friday and the weekend is here. I plan to relax, read, sew and create.

Wednesday

2009-07-08T04:35:00.001-07:00

Check this out. A new apron that I whipped up yesterday using some heavy weight designer fabric that I got from my friend Loretta. I've got enough left over to make another apron or an over sized tote bag. Or maybe even a journal cover or two. When Breen came home, he saw the apron and loved it. Something about the retro mod 60's print....now where are my thigh high white pleather Go Go boots???

Yesterday, I hit one of those "stay at home blues" moments. I had been doing the job search thing and got a call back from one potential employer whom I had been playing phone tag with since the middle of last week. He really got caught with his pants down because he really had no idea who I was. He proceeded to chat with me like he'd known me for years. I thought it was a little awkward and strange until I realized that the fucktard had no clue why he was returning my call but engaged me with pointless babble about the holiday weekend and such. Finally I called him on the carpet by asking him if he knew who I was. I reminded him that he had asked me to call him on Tuesday to arrange an interview (not talk about his yacht sailing). Turns out he already filled the position and he got very professional and impersonal after that. So there I was in a hot house with 8 loads of laundry and a sink full of dishes and I said to myself, "God damn it, I have to get out of here!". I took myself on a long bike ride. It was really what I needed. Blue skies, clearing my head and some good aerobic workout. It's hard to believe that there were times over the past 20 years of working that I fantasized about being home. Now I'm home and there are days when it feels like the walls are closing in. Yeah, I need to get back to work.

Tuesday....back on the horse

2009-07-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

It's sure been lovely having a nice long weekend with my husband. But it's Tuesday morning and time to get back on the horse, as they say. This morning, I'm thinking about:

1. My job search and how to implement a much more aggressive strategy
2. What will my next creative project be now that I'm finished with my sun surf tops
3. Gratitude and blessings
4. Houses
5. How do I take this time of unemployment and turn it in to something totally new and exciting for myself?
6. Our upcoming honeymoon
7. some new vegetarian dishes
8. altered clothing

This past weekend, we visited my parents and I came home with an armful of my favorite flower:

Breen is the Green Thumb Guru around here. Check out the avocado plant that he potted. We weren't sure if the seed would even take but now it has a 6 inch sprout! Holy Guacamole :)))

Was any one out there curious about the progress of my Helen chair??? Okay, okay....I'll show you. Check out the crown:

A weekend review

2009-07-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

We've been enjoying a nice, long holiday weekend. Breen took off Friday and Monday which makes me a VERY happy girl!

This weekend, we took a little trip to New Hope:

Sure, it all looks like fun and games.....

until he put the quarter in.... :))))

I finished another Sun Surf Halter top:

But my craftiness just couldn't stop there. I took some of the leftover fabric and re-purposed an old jean skirt...fresh and adorable if I do say so myself :))

HMM...what else???

Fireworks in the park last night
A blueberry pancake breakfast made and served by Kendall this morning
Naps
Blue skies
Journal writing
Writing to my new Pen Pal
Pouring over magazines for more creative project ideas
Early dinner today with my parents
Attempting to clean the house
Lots of Breen and Jane alone time :)))

A sewing lesson for my life

2009-07-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an interview. I thought it went pretty well but I'm not sure. They have several other candidates to interview and "they'll be in touch". This job market is a waiting game. I love to go on interviews because, even if I am not offered the job, it gives me a tremendous opportunity to sharpen my interview skills. One awareness that I had yesterday is that I crave more and more to be my own boss. I was interviewed by a woman who was not much older than me and I sat there thinking to myself:

a. I'm tired of being someone elses assistant all the time
b. If this woman owns a company, why couldn't I?

Every day keeps bringing me tiny pieces of awareness of what I don't want for my life. I may not know right now what it is that God intended for me but at least I can eliminate what doesn't work for me.

On the creative front, I am so excited that I cut my pattern for the Sun Surf Halter Top yesterday and I finished it this morning. It's not perfect but I love it just the same. I can see my sewing style emerging. This is only the second thing I've ever made from a pattern and for the most part, I'm self taught. I am coming to learn that although there is a general pattern to follow, it has to be modified to fit my style. Then I realized that my life is so much like that process; I always seem to seek ways to deviate ever so slightly from the generic pattern. Who knew I would learn another life lesson from a Pfaff sewing machine and a tissue paper pattern?! Go over here to see the finished top!

Wednesday Wishcasting,,,nurture

2009-07-01T05:21:00.001-07:00

When my son was in kindergarten, the children made hearts out of clay for their mothers. I'm sure some of the moms put them in a box somewhere or even discarded them but for me, my son's heart is like the Hope Diamond. A finer gem could not be purchased for any amount of money. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of the simple and child-like qualities that are inside all of us. His heart also reminds me of the special joys of being a mother and the importance of nurturing our relationships with our kids. Ever since I've been home and out of work, I've been so hard on myself. I've been everything but nurturing. I'm trying to find all of my life's answers in one day. The harder I seek, the more elusive the answers become. But I've also noticed something else: every new day presents the chance to see the tiniest pieces of ourselves unearthed. We don't get the prize winning answer in one fell swoop; we get the tiny revelations. Many years ago, I participated in an Insight course. On the first night there, we were each handed a big clump of clay. Our task was to hold it in our hands and play with it for a while. Make shapes. Feel the soft material change and morph in to new directions. Finally, they asked us to dig in to the center of the clay. In the center of each persons clay was a gorgeous little crystal heart. Finding our truest passions is like sculpting that clay. The outside of ourselves changes many times over but our hearts are inside glistening and sparkling and just waiting to be excavated. So today, my wish and whole hearted intention is to

nurture my heart. I've experienced so many challenges over the years and through it all I have seen the tiny miracles and blessings manifest for me. There is still so much more to be revealed to me. I just need to keep nurturing myself much more and stop beating on myself. Little by little my true passions are becoming more visible. I am hearing the wisperings of my heart songs.

nurture my children. I want them to know and feel how strong, capable, loving and resilient they truly are.

nurture my marriage: I am so blessed beyond words for my husband. The world turned from shades of gray to vibrant, lush colors the day we found each other. I honor and support him for all he does and I am eternally grateful that he made us a partnership and a family.

Go OVER HERE to see what's cooking in my creative mind.

Seize the moments and seeing ourselves.....

2009-06-29T05:05:00.001-07:00

Last night, Max came home from Chinese dinner with his father and gave me the above fortune. He really thought I would love it and of course I did! And then this morning, there was a motivational quote on my Igoogle page that referred to paying attention to each moment and how we use our energy in each moment. Since I've been home for the past few weeks, I find myself looking at the moments and seeing how fast a day goes. Am I using the moments wisely? Are there things I could be doing differently to achieve my desires? How much am I accomplishing as I juggle employment search, creativity, household chores and kid taxi? As I keep pushing on, I'm going to keep dedicating my moments for seeking my truth. Here are some things to ask:

Am I taking care of my body through exercise?
Am I taking care of my body through good nutrition?
Am I taking care of my spirit through quiet time and prayer?
Am I keeping up with my daily journal?
Am I setting my intentions for my desires?
Am I naming my gratitude?
Am I taking some risks to move out of my comfort zone?
What are the stories I'm telling about myself? Are they true? Do they serve me?

This weekend, I took some more self portraits. I haven't done this in a long time. There was a point when I took one daily for an entire year. I learned more about myself in that year than I could possible say. It's not about ego or getting attention from others. It's about seeing yourself in ways that you don't always acknowledge. We are often so hard on ourselves and we forget that we are vibrant and soft and sensual. I can't tell you how many times I make fun of myself because I think I'm still this skinny girl from my childhood with frizzy hair and a flat chest. Sometimes the old tapes play from my first marriage when I was given the message that I was not sexy or lovable. Nobody is going to come along with a magic wand and turn you in to the person you always wanted to be; you have to discover these things by yourself. What tapes are you still playing? When is the last time you took a picture of yourself?

FOR AN ART UPDATE GO OVER HERE.

Linger

2009-06-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

The scent of you lingers
Long after the morning coffee
And the dirty dishes have been cleaned
Stop the clock
Turn back the hands
The bright sparkling sunshine
Illuminates the sheets
Our legs intertwine
Morning eyes meet
A few more minutes
To linger

Wishcasting Wednesday.....what do you wish to savour?

2009-06-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Another great Wishcasting Wednesday prompt! Just yesterday afternoon I was thinking about how busy and hectic life can be. Sometimes we forget that we are given the gift of just one moment, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. We go through our days fighting off stress at work, worries about future time and generally forgetting about living right in the moment. When I think about savouring, these are my wishes:

I would like to savor the feel of my husband's body curled near mine when we go to bed at night and wake up each morning. That's a gift and a blessing to have each other.

I would like to savour the moments when I feel deliciously creative; they don't always come easy.

I would like to savour the moments when I see my son with a genuine happy smile on his face; his happiness melts my heart.

I would like to savour each day that I'm here with my husband and children.

I would like to savour the feeling of pride and love when I see Breen's face as he crosses another finish line; it makes all the hours of training and early morning race starts worth every single minute.

I would like to savour the moments when I feel a close connection to God; that's a heartsong to me.

PS: Go on over here to check out today's apron :))))

Monday Morning

2009-06-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Off to the start of another new week. The weekend went by quickly. Check out a new apron over here.

On Saturday, we went to my cousin's house for a graduation party. I haven't seen this side of my family in years. As I grow older and my life is filled with activity, I realize how easy it is to get out of touch with people. My cousins have kids that are now teenagers; the last time I saw them they were little kids. I looked around and observed my cousins and my family. So many of us have the same mannerisms and similar looks. I never really noticed it until now. We are all connected in ways we don't even realize. Families are interesting indeed.

My cousins Sue and Diane (I have always wanted a sister.)

My brother John and some more cousins:

Breen and the kids on the trampoline:

Last night, I found a stack of old magazines in the basement. This is how I find some inspiration when I'm feeling uninspired. Visual images are so stimulating for me. Here is a photo of some altered clothing that I found in one of the magazines. Now I'm visualizing a new project involving my love of sewing, collage and re purposing.

Father's Day, completion and some favorite photos

2009-06-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

It's Father's Day and we've already had quite a busy weekend. I'm blessed to still have my father around and I'm blessed beyond words to have Breen as a step father to my children. I'd like to write more about that but quite honestly, the words escape me sometimes for the enormous amount of love and gratitude that fills my heart.

I've been thinking about completion this weekend. When I take a closer look at my patterns, I know that I tend to start things, get about 3/4 of the way through and then abandon the project. I'm a journal junkie. I love to write every day and I love paper. This month, I bought 2 new blank journals and started one already. The problem is that I already have a perfectly good journal that is half way filled and begging to be finished. Why is my brain wired this way? I look around at all the other endeavors: happy creations that need to go on-line, aprons that still need ties, a hand painted chair that still needs to be finished, a quilt that needs to be backed and sewn. Three reactions came to mind immediately:

1. Leaving things half finished drives me crazy
2. There is something centered around the idea of "fear of completion"
3. Am I being too hard on myself? Should I just let it go and go with the flow?

What would happen if, God willing, I actually focused on one project and made the decision to commit to finishing it entirely? I know I would be so proud of myself if I did. Is there something I fear in that? I'm going to be giving this some deeper attention as the month continues.

Here are some photos I took this weekend that make me smile.

A new journal page:

Big creative messes around the house:

Bento Box lunch:

Candid black and whites of Breen:

Connecting

2009-06-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Today finds me thinking about connecting. Breen reminded me yesterday of something that happened with our next door neighbor a few days ago. Our neighbors are a bit wacky and very often behave like inconsiderate fucktards. I've noticed that I've expended a considerable amount of energy lately complaining about them. I have this awareness that it raises my stress level when I create this drama. So, we were out on our front porch the other day spraying for ants. Our neighbor struck up a conversation with us about the ants. Breen gave him one word answers; I engaged him with the entire history of our ant problems. Later, knowing how I complain about them, I think Breen wondered why I engaged in any conversation with the neighbor at all. True, I tend to strike up conversations with just about anyone who walks by. I don't need to take in every stray cat off the street and perhaps I should use better judgement sometimes. I know I have this habit of being too nice and easy going at times. BUT....what is the harm in making small connections with other people, even if they annoy us? It takes so much energy to dislike someone and it feels so good to make even the smallest of connections.

As many of you know, my son has Aspergers. He's more of a challenge now that he turned 13. He spends lots of time in his room on his computer. Socializing and connecting with people is a nightmare for him. Admittedly, he's been getting on my nerves lately with his behavior. When I feel this way, I'm finding new ways to step away and recharge myself. When I get centered again, I know in my heart that every single human being on this planet desires to connect with someone and deserves to be loved. As Confucius said, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." How can my son possibly know that I know how he feels? I've walked so many miles in those shoes where I thought that everything was ugly and that I was damaged. But ever so slowly, God finally came through and sent me on the path of beauty seeking. Life has been a gorgeous place ever since. Yesterday, I decided to get Max out of the house and have some connection time with him and hopefully help show him some beauty in the ordinary things. We rode our bikes on our favorite trail:

We took the time to literally smell the flowers and eat honeysuckle nectar:

The smile on his face melted my heart:

We stopped our bikes at Starbucks and nibbled on his favorite lemon cake:

We stopped and took pictures of one of his favorite train spots along the trail:

Yesterday, I helped my son connect with some joy and all it took was a bike and a piece of lemon pound cake. Does anyone else see the beauty in this?

Wishcasting Wednesday.....play

2009-06-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful wishcasting prompt today! Play and laughter are so essential. I usually know that I'm off center when I stop playing and take life too seriously. Think about it. So much time spent worrying about tomorrow, next week, next year. Reality Check: we only have the moments that we live right now, so why not lighten up and have a little fun?

I'd like to:

Put on my wacky glasses and go to the supermarket. Perhaps I could set up a game in aisle 7 of produce bowling. A giant melon for the bowling ball; boxes of cereal for the pins. "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 7".....oh what fun!

Dance under the stars with Breen

Make a HUGE mess with my art supplies

Play in the kitchen by cooking up a big playful batch of cupcakes

Have a shopping cart race in a local parking lot

Ride our bikes in to the pool again

Set up my camping tent in the backyard and have a whole day to myself there with my journal, a stack of magazines, a big stack of fluffy pillows, favorite music, my favorite finger foods and cozy blankets.

Go over here and see what I've been playing with!

Tuesday...anatomy of a day

2009-06-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

I seriously can't believe how fast a day rushes by! Today is a day that seems filled with a hodge podge of activity. An average day around here can look a lot like this:

Wake up. Drink coffee with Breen. Laundry. Get kitchen dirty. Work out. Come home. 25 minutes of meditation. Job search. Make some art. Job search. More laundry. Random cleaning. emails. Think about dinner. Think about life. Think about what it would be like if we won the lottery and lived in Montana 25 miles from civilization. Get my head out of my ass and realize house needs to be straightened up before husband comes home. Breen comes home. Dinner is made. Hang out. Roll our eyes at the kids. Fall in to bed. Lately I find myself wondering about the value of a woman. Inherently, we do all of those things mentioned above. I've been on both sides of the fence; I've stayed home as a mommy and I've gone to work every day. Men have always known what their roles are. Somewhere along the way, the role of housewife dwindled and lots of women took on careers; some by choice and some because they had to. We do so much.

Today, I took Max to visit his summer camp. Oh Joy. He wants to go there about as much as he wants to sandpaper a leopard's ass in a phone booth. I came home and made a kick ass batch of banana walnut chocolate chip cookies:

I made more mess in the kitchen:

and more mess in the Dining Room, which doubles as my studio during the day. Right now, I've got 3 projects going at once. Don't worry Breen...this will all be cleaned up by the time you get home... :)))))

Yesterday, my parent's brought Max home from a visit. I overheard my father say something to my mother about the amount of crap piled up around the house. I don't know if I was pissed or mortified. Part of me felt immediately guilty because I probably should be on top of the house better. But you know what? I've come to terms that being a pristine housekeeper is not important to me. I can try to do a little better but it will never be perfect. That's just fine with me.

Monday Morning...kicking in to gear again

2009-06-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Here it is Monday once again. We had a great weekend filled with activity. This week, both kids are officially finished with school. Let the summer begin! I'm not wishing for time to go by too fast but there is a big part of me that wants to know everything RIGHT NOW. This period of time is a huge learning lesson in trust and patience. If I could recommend a book for my blogging community to read, it would be The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. I picked it up again over the weekend. She has a 10 step "menu" plan for living a joyous life:

1. Nothing (the process of doing absolutely nothing for 15 minutes per day)
2. Truth (what are we telling ourselves about ourselves?)
3. Desire
4. Creativity
5. Risk
6. Treats
7. Play
8. Laughter
9. Connection
10. Feast

I'm up to the 2nd menu item. "Nothing" is fortunately easy for me since I've developed a nice daily ritual of a guided meditation that lasts for about 25 minutes. The concept of "nothing" is not about being lazy and unproductive; it's about finding the quiet time with no distractions so that you can hear the next steps for yourself. Seriously....we are all so conditioned to feel that we always have to be doing something. The process of doing absolutely nothing is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Of course, each "menu item" works with the rest of the menu items. You begin to incorporate a little of each in a daily ritual.

Here are a few pictures from the weekend:

Here's my HOT husband dressed in drag for a friend's surprise birthday skit (I think he fills out my black yoga pants quite nicely):

Here we are after the skit:

Here's a reason why I almost always have my camera with me. These flower pots outside of Trader Joe's really give me some artistic inspiration:

I managed to find a few moments for relaxation :))

If you want to see a new APRON, go over here to have a peek!

A big JOY list

2009-06-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning. I'm wishing that we could turn back the clock and make it Saturday morning again. I'm multi-tasking over at this end: sipping coffee, cleaning the house, web surfing and organizing art supplies. Last night, Kendall had a friend spend the night. I notice at certain points in time, when my daughter is on her home turf, she gets irritated and bitchy with her friends. I suppose this is normal but it makes me want to get 1 inch from her face and scream, "Do you know how blessed you are to have friends? To have parties to attend and friends that call?!!". All of this gets me thinking about blessings and gratitude and how important it is to stop throughout the day and remind yourself how good life is.

I've decided that this is the perfect summer to revisit some of my old books. We've got a bookcase in our Dining Room that houses about 1/3 of my books; the rest are in boxes in storage. What's the use in having books if you don't pick them up every now and then and actually browse them? Today's pick: The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. Here's an exercise from her book:

Finish each statement by listing 5 things that give you sensory pleasure:

I love the taste of:
1. vanilla
2. buttercream frosting
3. creamy mashed potatoes
4. roasted pepper with garlic from the grill
5. linguini with white clam sauce

I love the sight of:
1. my husband coming through the door at the end of the day
2. millions of stars at the lake
3. watching my son go back for seconds and thirds of a dinner I've prepared
4. bolts of gorgeous fabric
5. A big roaring fire

I love the feel of:
1. My hand in Breeen's
2. cool cotton sheets on a hot summer night
3. soft blankets
4. sand on my feet as I walk along the shore
5. a hot bubble bath

I love the smell of:
1. coffee beans
2. sweet things baking
3. honeysuckle
4. fresh cut grass
5. fresh cleaned laundry

I love the sound of:
1. "I love you"
2. wind chimes
3. a crackling fire
4. waves crashing at the beach
5. silence

Thursday

2009-06-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

Quote to ponder: You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

Yesterday's journal page:

I'm getting a slow start today. It's one of those days where I feel a little blah. I tossed and turned last night and I've got some things on my mind that are bothering me. I'm easing in to this transition of not working but sometimes, like today, the ground feels a little rocky and my footing is unsteady. I'm feeling a little insecure and I find myself questioning lots of things. In the past, I've weathered quite a few storms and look how far I've come. I have the ability to stand tall in the face of anything. And I have. I just need to keep reminding myself that magnificent things are waiting for me.

I've been creating something every day and that feels good. Today, however, I switched from journal pages to aprons. I've got to work on getting them finished and listed on Etsy. It's very challenging to photograph them without a dress form. Of course, while I'm creating, I'm also sending out resumes which is an interesting contrast. I've got two interviews set up for next week. One is for a law firm which I'm getting a weird read on. The other is for something really special but I don't want to elaborate until I talk more with them.

And so I plug away.......

Wishcasting Wednesday...What do you wish for your body?

2009-06-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

This week, Jamie asks us, "What do you wish for your body?".

When I was growing up, I was painfully thin. I only ever heard the messages that I was too skinny. I was flat chested forever and I had short, frizzy hair that my mother made me keep short because she said that I'd never be able to grow it long. Body image issues followed me around for years; even in to my adulthood. I finally started to "fill out" sometime in my early college years. After the birth of my first child, I got a gift of a day at the salon. My hair stylist had my hair...and hers was long! Ever since then, I've worn my hair long. Occasionally, the body image issues come back for a visit. It's taken me a long time but I am finally pretty comfortable with my body weight. I work out at the gym 3-4 times a week and I like to bike, hike and kayak. I have a scar that runs the entire length of my back due to a full spinal surgery when I was 16. I have two tattoos which I forget are there but sometimes regret.

At 44, I'm beginning to notice that my hair is changing texture and is harder to maintain and I wonder some days if I'm still holding on to it as a rebellious statement. I can't eat "anything I want" anymore without gaining a few pounds. So today, my wishes are:

To simply love my body and hair and all the changes that go with it as I get older.

To continue feeding my body good food and continue with the exercise.

To always honor my spirit and passionate nature

P.S: Go check out my new art over at The Painted House :))

Start of a new week

2009-06-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's Monday morning. I'm starting my second week of being home. So much to do; so little time, really. As always, I'm amazed at how quickly a week passes. This is also my last week of having the house to myself. The solitude stops when Max and Kendall finish school for the year. Today, I find myself thinking about how I can really manage my time during the day. In the course of a regular day, I need to:

Job search
Keep the house picked up
Work-out
Journal
Create art
Find time for meditation/quiet

And along with all of those things, I want to get a website started (or at the very least, get my Etsy store up and running again). Designing a website is something that I've been dragging my feet on since I have no idea where to start with it. But this is also a time for new explorations. I just need to take a few deep breaths and know that Rome was not built in a day.

We had a fabulous, relaxing weekend filled with biking, a football game and kayaking. I was sad to see it come to an end. Here are some photos:

Yesterday at the lake. Even Kendall got out and paddled ;)

Kendall's newly improved room, which my mother and I did on Friday. Needless to say, by the time Kendall came home on Sunday, she was a happy girl.

Saturday

2009-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post on the weekend but I have lots of free time to myself today. Kendall is with a friend, Max is at my parent's house and Breen is away in New Jersey for the day. It's been a long time since I had a Saturday to myself. There are so many things to do. Where to start?

Go to the gym
Sew (finish up aprons)
Make art
Take a long bike ride
Go to the Farmer's Market
Go to the grocery store
Check out some thrift stores for art finds

I made it through my first week of unemployment. It went quickly; I don't like it very much. My mind races ahead to worrying when I'll find something new and how long will it take. The bottom line is that this is a chance to look daily but also slow down a little and just be present with each day and the possibilities that it can bring. It just feels so challenging right now.

Yesterday, my mother and I totally redecorated Kendall's room and I can't wait until she finally makes it home sometime this weekend to see it. I hope she likes it as much as I do. It's amazing how you can totally change a look by simply moving the furniture around. Check out today's journal page here at the Painted House!

friday

2009-06-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

This week has simply flown by so quickly. One of the greatest things I've learned this week is the importance of establishing some daily rituals. Notice how I say "rituals" instead of "routines"? For me, the word "routine' conjures up images and feelings of doing something that feels tedious, overly repetitive and boring. The word "ritual" brings to my mind the feeling of doing something sacred, healthy and fulfilling for myself.

My mother is coming today to help me organize some rooms in the house. I'm grateful for this. My linen closet is a heaping mess of tangled sheets and towels. Kendall's room is completely sloppy and unorganized; I might play around with rearranging the furniture in her room. The list could go on and on. I know I can't get on top of everything in one day; it takes some time. But today is a good start.

Check out yesterday's journal page over HERE at The Painted House ;))

Thursday...creating up a storm

2009-06-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's already Thursday and the week has simply been flying by! I've been creating up a storm over here. My Dining Room houses most of my art supplies and it looks like a bomb went off on the Dining Room table. But it's such a good thing, that I barely care.

The Universe and God have been very good to me. I've been connected with some living angels. My friend Loretta is an amazing seamstress and designer. She gives me boat loads of left over fabrics for quilting and aprons. She's a source of unlimited creative inspiration. Today, I'm meeting her for lunch and she's giving me her old color printer/scanner which I am going to set up in the corner of my studio Dining Room. My friend David is so well connected in the art field. He gives me boat loads of old furniture to lovingly hand paint. In fact, he's got a whole room in his warehouse for the furniture that he saves for me. My friend Wayne is a very gifted photographer and we are planning on a creative collaboration. Just this morning, Breen looked at my work and had a brain storm for an incredible idea for a new direction that I could take my art. With all of these creative and supportive forces in my life, why not go for it?!

Go here to see today's art work over at The Painted House.

Wishcasting Wednesday.....What do you wish for in June?

2009-06-03T03:35:00.000-07:00

Today, Jamie asks us what we wish for June. For me, June marks the beginning of a very different transition for me. As of June 1, I was no longer employed. It's now three days in and I'm still trying to get my footing on this new adventure. There is something that feels so incredibly unsettling about not having a paycheck and not contributing to our house goals and such. Honestly, there are days that I completely trust that the Universe has something much better in store for me and there are days that I feel like a fish out of water. The challenge is three fold for me:

1. Resist the "safety zone" jobs that I've done in the past simply because it's what I know.

2. Pray, trust and listen patiently for the next pieces to fall in to place

3. See if my creativity could really somehow earn me a living

So today, I wish for the following things in June:

1. A period of rest and calmness as I acclimate to being home

2. An abundance of creative ideas

3. An established list of daily rituals which honor my mind, body and spirit

4. New connections and a renewed feeling of confidence as I set my intention to find a new way of earning a living that is different than I was doing before

Here's something fun: Go over HERE to see a new piece of my art ;))

Happy Wednesday!!

Tuesday

2009-06-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

You might say I have too much time on my hands and you might be right. This is day number 2 of being at home.

My day has looked something like this:

1. Get up, have tea with Breen, and send the kids off to school
2. Make green smoothie, get on floor and stretch
3. Walk outside to get bike out of garage and stumble in to drama at the wack job neighbor's house
4. Get car inspected in a very questionable neighborhood in Philadelphia
5. Come home. Take a bike ride
6. Send off resume to 5 job postings
7. Play with art materials for some new ideas...nothing is coming...my ideas died of loneliness a while ago
8. Try my hand at making Sushi (pictures below)
9. One phone interview which lasted for 1 hour with a woman who runs a music school and is a bit fearful of hiring me because I just got laid off from another music school which ultimately tanked.
10. Get sucked in to blogging.

Time feels suspended right now. When Breen gets home, I'm sure he'll wonder what I did all day. I'm sure there is a divine plan for me and there is a specific reason why I'm home chasing my tail in circles wondering when/where/how I will make my living next. This is uncomfortable for me. I like time to myself but all of this free time could start to make me a little nutty. Not having my own paycheck could make me certifiable.

The kids get home in about an hour and I sit here realizing that due to the list above, the house still needs to be picked up. Honestly....where does the time go??

Here is today's lunch. I finally found sushi rice at a reasonable price, so I decided to break in my sushi mat:

First you spread rice all over the Nori sheet. Flip it over and add jananese mayo, cucumber, avocado and sesame seeds.

Once it is rolled up, it's ready for another bath of sesame seeds

Slice it up, and look what I've got in my Bento box!

Monday....the first day

2009-06-01T09:05:00.001-07:00

Monday. This is the first day of my unemployment. I keep thinking that today is just a vacation day and that I'll be heading back to my old desk tomorrow morning; business as usual. Only it's not. It is a very peculiar feeling indeed.

I woke up this morning, the kids got off to school, I went to the gym again (for the first time in a while) and I ran an errand or two. It's already a little past Noon. Where does the time go? I've been on two job boards. Applied for about 3positions. I've played in the kitchen. I've walked around in circles in the house wondering how to wear these new shoes. I suppose it will just take a little time to get adjusted to a new routine. I'm impatient though because I want to know what's next so badly. This is an exciting time for change and it's also a bit scary. This is where the trust comes in. I can barely see 3 inches of the path in front of me; I just take a small step and walk.

Working out this morning felt great. I stayed away from the Gym for a few weeks when I was working through some anxiety issues. This morning I made the decision to get my ass there. During this time of new transition, it's more important than ever to exercise, eat well and develop healthy rituals that honor my body and spirit. Later this afternoon, I'm going to walk over to Kendall's school and watch her play in her music class recital. On Wednesday, I'm volunteering at Max's school to help serve their hot lunch that the kids help make. These are activities that I can do now that would have been much harder when I was working. It's important to honor the kids too.

Here's a picture of a chair that I'm working on. It just didn't seem to take a life until very recently. When I first met Breen, I had done a collage with a Helen Keller saying, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing". He really loved that quote. Since this past Friday, that same quote has come up on my IGoogle home page at least 3 times. It was a sign, I figured. So on Sunday, I grabbed my jar of old scrabble tiles and spelled the saying around the outside of the chair. I think this one will be one of my favorite chairs. If I ever complete my set of hand painted Dining Room chairs, this one will belong to Breen at the head of the table.

Today's lunch: Walnut and Potato Croquettes from Deborah Madison's cookbook

At least 8 things to be grateful for and perfect self expression

2009-05-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
- Helen Keller

I'm moving through this week with an astounding amount of grace and calmness. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm finally coming around to the fact that this is a good and exciting thing. I'm wise enough to know that I have to let go of those things that haven't served me in order to make room for the next phase. I'm ready to watch the scared little girl become the vibrant, strong, kick ass woman that she always wanted to be. I'm ready to let go of the fear of the unknown and let God work with me to show me the great things on the horizon.

I've been listening to Florence Schovel Shinn lately. She was an artist and metaphysics teacher in New York in the early part of the 20th century. Her work is really quite phenomenal. She talked about the idea of "perfect self expression" :

"There is for each man, perfect self expression. There is a place he is to fill and no one else can fill. Something that he is to do that no one else can do. It is his destiny."

I believe that there is indeed perfect self expression for all of us. Some of us have found it; some are still seeking. But it is there. We have to be patient and listen and be aware of the shifts and changes.

Today I find myself grateful for so many simple things:

A great trash pick in the parking lot of my office building. I found this yesterday. I already have a vision of what I want it to look like. I can't wait to post pictures of the finished face lift!

A warm slab of mushroom lasagna (recipe is over at my meatless year blog; check it out here)

A quiet late night dinner for Breen and me

Watching my daughter play softball

Cool grass

Blue skies and sunny afternoons

Kicking my feet up

Favorite books and time in the hammock

Wishcasting Wednesday...Frivolous

2009-05-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

What a great Wishcasting prompt! Thank you Jamie!! I've got several frivolous wishes.

A few years ago, my friend Terry and I fantasized about opening up a women's retreat ranch in Montana or Oregon. A place where women could come for a long weekend of crafting, fishing, eating and camping. Just yesterday, I received my first copy of Mary Jane's Farm magazine (this was a small frivolous purchase for myself). In it was featured "Sisters on the Fly". A group of women who meet up with their vintage trailers for a long weekend of fly fishing, gourmet camp food and a cowgirl prom. I would like to do something frivolous like purchase a trailer like this:

I would glam it up to be one bodacious, kick-ass girly trailer. While I was at it, I'd hook up my blogger chicks with trailers too and we could meet up at least once a year to hang out in to the wee hours of the morning. We could even have a prom around the campfire:

Another frivolous wish would be to take Breen out of the office for one week and make a pilgrimage to Burning Man. I can't think of anything hotter than spending a week in the middle of the desert with my amazing husband.

Last frivolous wish: a summer shopping spree to update my summer wardrobe. I know it's not even practical with the loss of my job but I sure would love to buy a bunch of cute tank tops and little sundresses.

The end of an era (also doubling for SUNDAY SCRIBBLINGS)

2009-05-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

This week marks the end of an era for me. The last day at my job is Friday. We'll be clearing out the office Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. After that, I'll be home juggling my free time with job hunting, creative projects, home organization projects and playing human taxi to Max and Kendall as I shuffle them around to their camps. This is also a period for some rest and healing.

My Sunday Scribbling prompt for this week is Worry and how I handle it.I really debated with myself long and hard about sharing this here but, in the end, my blogging community has been an incredible source of strength and support over the past few years. Basically, I started to experience some panic attacks over the past few weeks. On one hand, it all felt like I got hit from nowhere. On the other hand, I should have seen it coming. For quite a few years, I stuffed a few things down because I was always on this hectic and sometimes crazy treadmill trying to focus only on taking care of the kids. There never seemed to be the time to take care of me. Getting laid off was probably the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back. Not only have I earned my own paycheck and handled all of my own finances for over 20 years, this job was very much tied in to my "old life". So here I am stripped naked and standing at the crossroads of a whole new part of my life and I am literally like a deer in the headlights.

Here's an equation that's simple to follow: Worrying + A few unresolved core issues + a major life change = panic attacks. Sure, some people are lucky enough to handle stress and anxiety by eating 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's and playing video games for 6 hours straight. Lucky them. I do believe for myself that these panic attacks are only situational and are also a wake up call to promote change. I look at my life today and I am so incredibly blessed. I am light years away from that old life. I have found the man I always dreamed of and I am part of his amazing family now too. I know without any doubt that God gave me all of this goodness and there is no way that he would take me three quarters of the way here only to dump me off at the side of the road. I don't know what's ahead over the next month..two months...year. I only know that I was given this time to truly discover the next part of this magnificent journey. It comes down to surrendering those fears which were never real in the first place and trading worrying for trusting.

We are coming to the end of a wonderful holiday weekend. On Saturday, I drove to Maryland where Breen's sisters took me to a tea room for a "welcome to the family" lunch. Including my mother, sisters, nieces, one fiance and one girlfriend, there were 13 of us. I really love Breen's family and I feel honored to have them as my new extended family. Yesterday, we went for a nice long bike ride and had a cookout with my parents. So here I am thinking about the week ahead and the end of an era. I know in my heart that this door is being closed so that another one much better can be opened. I was shriveling up, little by little, at this job; we had downsized to a point where we moved to a tiny office with no windows and no other employees in the office but me. I'm a girl who loves light and people. It's time to regroup, move ahead and open up like a brand new flower.

Thursday

2009-05-21T07:08:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've really taken a hit with stress and anxiety over my job ending. Honestly though, it goes deeper than being laid off. My job represents the one last piece of "my old life" that I was still clinging to. One by one, all of the things in my old life that I held on to for so long all began to fall away. When I found out my job was ending, it felt like I had been stripped away and was standing there naked. Vulnerable. Unsure. Of course, I have a wonderful new life with an amazing husband who loves me and supports me. But the old tapes have a way of playing even when you thought you could throw them away with the eight tracks. I'm standing on the edge of a new place. I'm scared and excited all at the same time. I'm also looking forward to taking a new and gentle approach with life. I'm looking forward to taking some long and lazy rides on the back roads that lead home to my very core. This is something new for me as I'm usually running around on fumes hoping to make it to the next gas station :)

Last night put in to perspective what the very essence of family and partnership is all about. I am grateful and blessed today to have it. When we got home from Kendall's softball game last night, Breen patiently and perfectly helped Max with his math homework. Earlier, he was in tears but when Breen stepped in, he finally got it.

While he helped with the homework, Kendall sat on a stool in the kitchen and read aloud to me as I made Breen's granola.

After that was all done, Breen put together a hermit crab habitat for the crab Kendall is bringing home today. And I sat there in awe of the simplicity of the evening scene in our house. This is at the core of togetherness: sharing our skills, being together and listening to each other. I almost laugh at the idea of stress and worry. Everything is perfect in its own moment.